PREPARE FOR THE KINGDOM

Four Years

2011-06-21T03:28:00.000-07:00

To honor the fourth anniversary of Laura’s death, I thought I’d post this excerpt from “our” book, Prepare for the Kingdom. This excerpt is also an excerpt from an essay by Thomas Howard, which I placed near the end of the book, in the reflections after she had died. It’s about how people ought to be open to the “Whole Story” and realize that their love and their prayer are not for nothing once the loved one dies, but contribute to the glory in which we all will share in the Kingdom of Heaven.

“And so we begin to think about all our prayers and vigils and fastings and abstinences, and the offices and sacraments of the Church that have gone up to the throne on behalf of the sufferer. They have, apparently, been lost in the blue. They have vanished, as no sparrow, no hair, has ever done. Hey, what about that? And we know that this is false. It is nonsense. All right then—we prayed, with much faith or with little; we searched ourselves; we fasted; we anointed and laid on hands; we kept vigil. And nothing happened.

“Did it not? What angle of vision are we speaking from? Is it not true that again and again in the biblical picture of things, the story has to be allowed to finish? Was it not the case with Lazarus’ household at Bethany, and with the two en route to Emmaus? And is it not the case with the Whole Story, actually—that it must be allowed to finish, and that this is precisely what the faithful have been watching for since the beginning of time? … And is not that Finish called glorious? Does it not entail what amounts to a redoing of all that has gone wrong, and a remaking of all that is ruined, and a finding of all that has been lost in the shuffle, and an unfolding of it all in a blaze of joy and splendor?

“A finding of all that is lost? All sparrows, and all petitions and tears and vigils and fastings? Yes, all petitions and tears and vigils and fastings. ‘But where are they? The thing is over and done with. [She] is dead. They had no effect.’

“Hadn’t they? How do you know what is piling up in that great treasury kept by the Divine Love to be opened in that Day? How do you know that this death and your prayers and tears and fasts will not together be suddenly and breathtakingly displayed, before all the faithful, and before angels and archangels, and before kings and widows and prophets, as gems in that display? Oh no, don’t speak of things being lost. Say rather that they are hidden—received and accepted and taken up into the secrets of the divine mysteries, to be transformed and multiplied, like everything else we offer to him—loaves and fishes, or mites, or bread and wine—and given back to you and to the one for whom you kept vigil, in the presence of the whole host of men and angels, in a hilarity of glory as unimaginable to you in your vigil as golden wings are to the worm in the chrysalis” (“On Brazen Heavens,” from The Night is Far Spent).

Three Years

2010-06-21T03:33:00.000-07:00

I'd like simply to mark the third anniversary of Laura's death with a few verses, written in haiku style. I don't know what three years would seem like in Heaven, but I'm sure no one there is interested in anything but the joy of life in God (and in praying for us, too, I hope!). It is good to have a few friends in Heaven, to help prepare us for the Kingdom from their privileged place. They say that time heals wounds and sorrows, but I think that divine grace is the power behind all healing; but it can take some time...

Time is duly marked
But has meaning only here;
On High, all are free.

Pain is deeply felt
Yet will run its destined course;
Sorrow turns to joy.

Hearts are lifted up
To visions far beyond them;
At length, peace returns.

Abbot Joseph

Two Years

2009-06-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

Today dawned cool and clear. Much cooler, in fact, than I would expect on the first day of summer in this usually torrid time of year. That's why I think Laura is praying for us again. Last year on this day it quite unexpectedly rained, as you can read in my last post.

I asked the Lord for a word from Scripture, a word from Laura that He would permit to be given through the word of God, so that I could have no further questions about her eternal happiness. Maybe I expect to have a vision of her in glory before I stop wondering about the mystery of death and the afterlife! Despite my confidence in her salvation, I still tend to look for confirmations. Well, I received one, along with a mild reproach, to the effect that I should have known by now: "Take heart; it is I. Have no fear... O man of little faith, why did you doubt?" (Mt. 14:27, 31). There's actually much more to it than that, and it is published in greater detail on my own blog. Click here to read the full account.

There's something else that happened today, which makes me think she was with us in our Liturgy in the church, and that she was praying for a certain man, a friend of ours whom she befriended during her several visits here at the monastery. During the prayers after Holy Communion, he was so moved by God's grace that he began to weep, which had never happened before. His wife told me later: "I've been waiting 30 years for that to happen."

So I think Laura continues to do good from Heaven as she said she wanted to. I don't have much more to say now. I just wanted to mark the anniversary. I think she's praying for me too, as this "Year for Priests" has just begun in the Church. The graces have been almost palpable these first three days. The loss of a loved one is a cause for sorrow, yet the heavenly intercession of a departed loved one is a cause for joy.

Abbot Joseph

One Year

2008-06-21T04:31:00.000-07:00

Today marks the first anniversary of Laura’s death. In some ways it seems like it has been a long time, and in other ways it all seems very recent. Probably she has little awareness of the passage of earth-time anymore, since she is in the heavenly “time zone.” She must feel as if she has only very recently stepped through the Pearly Gates, what with all the wonder and blessing and new joys to discover. It’s almost too hard to imagine: is she really walking through Paradise with the Mother of God, to whom she prayed often to be with her at the hour of her death? And is she singing incredibly beautiful hymns with St Ephrem, whose lyrical writings she enjoyed so much? Is she having lunch (as it were) with St Joseph and St John the Evangelist, whose icons she painted here below? Is she looking into the eyes of Jesus, who loved her with an everlasting love and drew her to Himself after she shared in his Passion during her last weeks of suffering? Our minds are so limited. We don’t know much more than our own small troubles and joys, and the little bit of God’s wonders that we may have had the good fortune to experience, however briefly.

But of course, she is there and it is more than she could even communicate to us, should she be given the opportunity. Perhaps one reason the faithful departed don’t come to visit us very often is simply that we probably wouldn’t understand a thing they would tell us, since their new reality is so far beyond anything we could relate to in our own experience. They are the same persons, yet not the same. They are elevated, transformed; they see with eternal eyes now, and their thoughts are no longer like our thoughts. But they smile upon us and pray that we have the faith and the good sense to persevere in loving and serving the Lord on earth, so that we too may enter one day into the brilliant magnificence of the glory of God and the joy of the saints.

Back in February I received a couple e-mails from a newly-ordained priest who was known to Laura and who was with her shortly before she died. Once I had heard, through others, that another priest had been there, I wanted to know more details about how things were near the end of her life. He shared with me the following description of his visit to her, which has given me further consolation and confirmation that the Lord took special care that she would die in his grace and mercy, and be welcomed into his heavenly Kingdom.

“After the Priestly Ordination and First Mass this June, I had to leave directly to our Annual Priest’s Convocation at Ocean Shores for that week, and then proceed to Masses of Thanksgiving Port Angeles, WA, both about 4-5 hours from Anacortes [where Laura lived]. Being totally exhausted and pulled in many directions, I felt horribly guilty about not visiting Laura in the days before and after the Priesthood Ordination, noticing that she was not present for the celebrations and hearing from parishioners that she was near her end. I was praying that I might be able to see her before she died. I remember I had talked with her when she was bedridden about the date of my ordination on the Feast of St. Ephrem, and she lit up and talked for quite some time about how beautiful his hymns are.

“Finally a day or two before I was to leave again for some more Masses in the southern part of the diocese… I concelebrated Holy Mass at St. Mary’s, and then decided it was time to go see Laura. After Mass, I caught Sr. Mary Matthew and Kathy Moore, and asked them to come with me… This would also be my first Anointing and giving of the Last Rites.

“When we arrived, JP [one of her sons] met us at the door and showed us to her room with all the beautiful icons. Sr. Mary Matthew and Kathy had already been in the room first and were praying over her with the Relic of the True Cross. I was shocked at how emaciated she was. JP said that she should have died weeks before, and that she had been restless, and was waiting for the priest to come. When I knelt down to look at her, she started to react, though she could not say anything, but I know she knew who I was. I told her I was just ordained and was going to give her the Last Rites. So for the first time in my priesthood, with her family present and the good sisters praying, I led the prayers, and then gave her the Absolution, and for the first time of my priesthood, I then gave her the Apostolic Pardon, laid my hands on her and gave her the Sacrament of the Anointing. She was alert and responsive throughout the whole ceremony, and afterwards. I then thanked her for waiting for me and allowing me the privilege to exercise priestly ministry to the sick for the first time with her. I know she tried to respond. She tried to speak after it was over, but she did seem more at rest. I stayed a bit with her, blessed the room and the family with Holy Water, and [we] paid our respects and left.

“Later I learned with great emotion that she had died shortly after I was there that day. It was about 10:30 AM when we arrived at the house, I forget when we left [Laura died about 2:15 PM]. I think the fact she let go so soon afterward reassures me that she was at peace with the Lord that day. Though I barely knew Laura for only a few years and with brief exchanges and visits at church and related to her son, it still was a very humbling experience to know that she did wait almost two weeks since my ordination for the priest to come welcome her home. I still regret not having arrived sooner, but I know she is praying for me all the same… Also, I had the privilege to concelebrate the Divine Liturgy of her funeral with Fr. Stanichar and Fr. Vu Tran. It was all quite a dream and a sorrow and a joy!”

I don’t know if I’ll have much more to say on this blog, unless Providence decrees that I become the happy recipient of some vision or miracle related to her. But I did want to acknowledge this anniversary, the first—and most difficult, I’m sure—and again to thank all those who “kept vigil” on this blog as she prepared to enter the Kingdom, and all those who prayed for her. May her prayers for us now help keep us on the narrow but life-giving path to the Kingdom of Heaven.

One last thing. Since I have not actually heard personally from Laura since she died, though I believe St Therese gave me a sign of her salvation, I still have wanted something clearer. I thought to myself that I should ask for some "sign from Heaven," though I figured that the Lord figured that He had given me enough. I thought, "if it rains on her anniversary, that will be a sign she is safe in Heaven." That may not sound like much, but where I live we don't usually get a drop of rain from about mid-May to October or so, and there is always danger of wildfires because everything is so dry. I was a little afraid to seek this sign, because it would be like setting myself up for disappointment. The weather forecast was as it always is this time of year. Same every day: sunny, sunny, sunny. As I write this post it is raining...

Abbot Joseph

Doing Good from Heaven

2007-12-08T12:43:00.000-08:00

Laura had said before she died, as did St Therese the Little Flower, that she would like to spend her Heaven doing good on Earth, as long as the Lord would allow it. She has evidently already begun, by helping to strengthen an acquaintance's faith in God's presence in the Holy Eucharist. She had once told me that after she died she would hang around the sanctuary in our church during the Liturgy, to "see what goes on" behind the iconostas during the consecration. Well, she's doing even more than that now!

I will quote here from a letter I recently received from this lady. (Since I haven't asked her if I could publish it, I'll change her name and call her "Mary". She had met Laura the year before she died and had prayed much for her.)

"I prayed as persistently as I could every day as her condition worsened... When she finally passed, I felt 'lost'. Thank you again for posting her update on her passing. It helped and touched me a lot, and I cried. I also felt 'lost' because I had been praying so hard and continuously. I felt like I was a train on full speed and suddenly I had to stop. I was at a loss as to what to do: should I continue to pray for her? Another question was: 'Did she know I was praying hard for her?' ... The answers came during Sunday Mass; I felt her presence very strongly during that Mass, and yes, she knows I did pray hard for her. [She added that whenever she would remember Laura in prayer she would think of the monks too and pray for us, and she said she felt Laura's joy over this.]

"As soon as I entered the premises of Mt Tabor, I felt very strongly Laura's presence. Father, often when I feel something strongly, my tears roll down my eyes... [During her retreat, the priest giving a talk emphasized that it is really God in the Holy Eucharist.] Anyway, that night inside me I said, 'How can we be sure it is really God?' I asked Jesus the Teacher--I visualized one of my favorite icons, Jesus the Teacher, because I always ask for wisdom--to teach me to know more about this.

"The next day, Saturday, during your beautiful Divine Liturgy, I felt Laura's presence very very strongly on and off during the whole Mass; tears kept rolling and rolling down. During the consecration Laura said, while pointing to the hosts you were consecrating: 'Mary, GOD IS THERE!' Father, it was very powerful. I thought I would have to use my shirt to wipe my tears! ... My soul does know it is really God in the Host..."

I wanted to share this with you, not only to give this evidence of Laura's doing good on Earth while in Heaven, but also to help reflect a little on the mysteries that she can see clearly but that we still must embrace in faith. Let us be encouraged to approach the Holy Mysteries with reverence and love, and with gratitude to Him who said: "Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me and I in him... Whoever eats this bread will live forever" (John 6:56-58).

I'm also glad to know that she is making her presence felt here at our monastery, and helping others come closer to God. I wouldn't have known what "Mary" was struggling with, but because of the spiritual connection she had with Laura on Earth, God worked through Laura to speak the word of truth and life to her soul. What good things God has prepared for those who love Him!

Abbot Joseph

Laura's Book is Now Available

2007-11-20T09:52:00.000-08:00

The book of Laura's writings, with fairly extensive commentary of my own, is available now. It is entitled (appropriately): Prepare for the Kingdom: A Journal of Hope in the Face of Death. You can purchase it by clicking here. Just scroll down till you see the image of her book. It will be available at Amazon eventually, but is not yet at this writing.

I hope and pray that this book will be for many the occasion to reflect upon their lives and their relationship to God, so that they may prepare well to meet Him when that inevitable moment arrives. Too many people live their lives heedless of their eternal destiny, and so I hope that Laura's words will be a kind of wake-up call and reminder that our hearts are restless until they rest in God. I'm sure she will be praying from Heaven that her book will, by God's grace, make a real difference in people's lives, for the sake of their salvation.

If you know someone who is perhaps terminally ill or who may for some other reason need to reconcile with God before their death, please do not hesitate to recommend this book--or better yet, just buy it and give it to them! Thank you and God bless you.

Abbot Joseph

Thanks to All

2007-07-24T16:31:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank all of you who have shared Laura's journey and have supported her with your encouragement and prayers. I trust she is smiling upon us all from Heaven. It has been a long and difficult journey, but if she has attained eternal happiness, that is all that matters. Soon I will be working on her book, which I hope will be ready by the end of this year, or perhaps the beginning of next year. In any case, I will let you know. This blog will remain active indefinitely for those who want to continue to reflect on the mystery of the approach to eternity, but all of her writings (and some additional material, including my own commentary and personal reminiscences) will be incorporated into the book.

Abbot Joseph

More Thoughts on Laura's Passing

2007-06-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

I’d like to share with you a few thoughts, more or less random, that have come to me during these days of mourning for Laura. Perhaps they may be of some benefit to you as you ponder the mysteries of life and death. I plan to write more for our monastery newsletter’s summer issue, but perhaps this will suffice for now.

First, I’m grateful that Laura was blessed with a holy death, even though her sufferings were prolonged (but that may have contributed to the holiness). She had the priceless and indispensable benefit of access to the sacraments of the Church, for one thing. They say that the Catholic Church is sometimes the hardest one to live in, but it’s the very best to die in! Everything that can possibly be done for the soul preparing to meet God is done through the ministry of the Church. She also had the benefit of being in an environment of love and care, where all her needs were met by her family and the hospice nurses (and the visiting priests!). So many people die alone, in hospitals, nursing homes, prisons, tenement apartments, war- or strife-torn lands or even on the street. Even though the Lord called her to suffer, He gave her the best possible environment in which to spend her last days. She may have shared something of the darkness and apparent abandonment of his passion, but at least she was not brutally tortured, and mocked and reviled on top of it, as was our Savior.

The next point is perhaps a bit fanciful, but I can’t help wondering what the experience of her soul leaving her body must have been like. After all, she was sleeping. Did she think she was having a dream and then suddenly realized it was no dream but that angels had really come and taken her to the presence of the Holy One? Or was she actually dreaming of the Lord, and her dream unexpectedly came true, to her delight and joy? Or while to the eye of an observer she was asleep, was she really in some kind of interior communion with the Lord, who was calling her to rise and come to Him? We’ll never know that until we ask her ourselves in Paradise, but I find the various possibilities quite fascinating.

One thing I’ve been thinking about is the very moment that I received the news. It is very difficult to describe everything that was packed into that instant when I heard the words: “She’s gone!” I was hoping and praying for her liberation and entrance into Heaven, yet it was as if some rushing flood had suddenly overwhelmed me, and I almost didn’t know how to react. Perhaps all the accumulated emotion and stress and prayer and waiting of the past few weeks had in that instant coalesced into a point of extreme density and suddenly found its release. I was happy, sorrowful, relieved, in pain, in gratitude, and in some other nameless feeling all at once. There’s an incredible finality to death. A loved one can be in a coma for months, but when they finally pass it is still a shock, a loss that feels like it was unexpected, even though it wasn’t. Even when Laura was mostly unconscious, there was still a possibility that she might at least temporarily revive (as happened a couple times before) and I could talk to her. Now it was no longer a possibility. She left this world and is not coming back. I was expecting that call at any moment, yet I somehow couldn’t quite grasp the full import of it when it finally came. Perhaps we have our own scenarios of how we’d like to see things happen, but death foils them all and leaves us no time to reset the stage. When the moment arrives, one must inexorably go.

Laura told me about a sort of vision she had, maybe a year ago, when she was in our monastery church. It was as if it were the moment of her death, and she felt two angels escorting her to the presence of the Lord. The vision did last long enough for her to see Him or know what happens at his judgment seat, but the thing that impressed her was the absolute certainty that that’s where she was going, and the same certainty that she had no choice in the matter. The angels were gentle, but firm enough so that she realized that she was utterly unable to turn back, even if she wanted to. When they take you, you go. You cannot resist. Perhaps she was being given a little advance notice of what to expect when her soul would leave her body. The experience did not leave her afraid, yet it was sobering.

Laura had 54 years in which to “prepare for the Kingdom.” She didn’t spend all of those years actively doing so, but thanks be to God the last three or four were quite focused on this preparation. It’s over now. Her time is up. There’s nothing more she can do—not that she needs to, but the point is that we are allotted a certain number of years on earth in which our eternal destiny is prepared and decided. Some people have many more years than Laura did, some have many less. We don’t know when it is going to be over, when the moment will come that we have to make an account for our lives, the moment when there will be no more chances to do things differently. It may come suddenly; the Lord constantly has reminded us to watch, be ready, for we know not the day or the hour. Are you ready right now if suddenly the Lord appeared and said, “It is time”? Laura was blessed not only to have several years to take stock of her life and turn wholeheartedly to the Lord; she also had a period of decline in which she knew death was imminent and could focus all her available energies on meeting the Lord face to face so that her entrance into Paradise could be richly provided for. Many people are not so fortunate. This is why life has to be a preparation for the Kingdom. This preparation cannot be postponed until a convenient time, because that time may never materialize. We are perhaps not sufficiently aware that there is no second chance once we die. We may or may not be given many chances while we live, but we have to live in such a way as to be spiritually ready for death and judgment at any moment.

I have prayed much and with fervor and even tears, both before and after Laura’s death. I have learned that nothing wounds more deeply than love, especially if that love is rooted in the love of Christ. You can only hurt so much from the attacks of an enemy, for the hatred or malice of an enemy cannot access the depths of the human heart. Those depths can only be freely opened to others in love, but once opened they are forever vulnerable, and one is powerless to defend oneself. I think Jesus was showing us this when He allowed his heart to be pierced on the Cross. It was a symbol of what had already happened. He says to each of us, whose sins crushed Him to death: “If an enemy had done this, I could bear it… But it is you, my companion, my intimate friend” (Ps 55:13-14). His love for us made the wound all the more painful. Perhaps, when grieving the loss of a loved one, we can identify with Mary’s heart as well, which was “pierced by a sword,” according to Simeon’s prophecy, when she saw her beloved Son crucified in agony before her eyes. Love is the only sword that can penetrate that deeply. Yet love is also what makes us most fully human, and because humans are created in the image of God, who is Love, it makes us most like Him.

So now I have to “switch gears” and go back to my usual rounds of prayer and work and ministry. I was able, mostly, to do so during the past weeks, but some things will be different now. There will be no anxious checking of phone messages to see if there has been any development, no focusing of prayer upon Laura’s final preparation and purification (though I will continue to pray for her soul until she appears to me and tells me she’s already in Heaven!). There’s a kind of relief now, yet also a kind of emptiness. There’s peace, yet the grieving is not over. There’s gratitude and joy for her joy, yet there is that sword-point of loss. I think, though, that it’s not just going to be a return to my usual life. I think Laura is praying for me. My vision has improved; my life is coming into sharper focus. I’m going to spend the rest of it preparing for the Kingdom.

Abbot Joseph

May Her Memory Be Eternal!

2007-06-21T16:48:00.000-07:00

“Love never ends… when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away… now we see dimly, but then face to face. Now we know in part; then we shall understand fully…” (1Cor 13:8-12). Laura now sees face to face; she understands fully, for the imperfect has passed away. Laura died today at about 2:15 PM. She was 54 years old. Laura was sleeping, and the hospice nurse had just arrived, and she and Laura’s daughter Stephanie were about to change the dressings on her bedsores. They noticed she had stopped breathing and then checked and discovered that her heart had stopped as well. No violent throes, no last gasp. Her body quietly ceased functioning as her soul went to the Lord. Stephanie called me shortly afterward with the longed-for yet dreaded news, fully expected yet still a shock. When I answered the phone she said simply: “She’s gone!” We both had a good cry and talked a little. Shortly afterward I prayed a short memorial service for her and will do a fuller service later. Stephanie was right to say “gone” and not “dead,” for Laura is not dead, only her body is. Laura has gone to Heaven to be with her beloved Lord, for whom she suffered, in whom she believed and trusted, to whom she fervently prayed. She has gone to the place where “death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away” (Rev 21:4). God has wiped every tear from her eyes, even though our eyes may still be full of tears. But though they are to some extent tears of pain over the loss of her, they are also tears of joy and gratitude that God has taken her unto Himself, that she has fought the good fight and run the race. She has made it! She is now entering into the realization of the reason of her being; she now knows perfectly clearly why God created her, and she “rejoices with unutterable and exalted joy” (1Peter 1:8) and will do so forever. The next verse reads: “As the outcome of your faith you obtain the salvation of your souls.” I am really very happy for her—not too happy for myself, but very happy for her!

I am also happy that the Lord in his mercy allowed me to be an instrument in her salvation. She first came to the monastery with her husband in the early ‘80s, and we got to know each other then, though not particularly well. After a few years of regular retreats, she stopped coming and we fell out of touch. A number of years went by, and she experienced many troubles and hardships, and she fell away from the Church and the sacraments, but not her faith, which was still alive in the depths of her soul, though I think she tried to more or less ignore it. At a certain moment in June of 2003 (this has been almost exactly a four-year adventure) she providentially discovered our website and decided to e-mail me, not sure if I would even remember her. She was at a particularly low point in her life. I was glad to hear from her and invited her to make another retreat here and we would talk about her life and her relationship with God and the Church.

The Lord blessed us very much. We renewed our friendship, and most importantly, Laura responded to the grace of God and returned to the Church and the sacraments. She did so wholeheartedly, even though it took some time to enter deeply into her spiritual life. About six months later she was diagnosed with cancer of the pancreas.

She had never been sick in her life; it was a devastating blow to both of us, but there were two obvious graces to be noticed right off. First, she had turned back to God months before she had the slightest idea she was sick (the cancer was only discovered “by accident” when she had to see a doctor about an apparently unrelated case of jaundice). That means she wouldn’t have to wonder if her conversion were sincere, as if she were forced to turn to God only in desperation and fear of death. The second grace is the realization that God had foreseen all of this and arranged everything so that she would be in his grace when this “death sentence” was pronounced. How loving and merciful He is! She later told me that if she had been in her pre-conversion (or pre-“reversion,” as they call it) state when she received that diagnosis, she would have been utterly terrified and would probably have fallen into despair.

She underwent a long and dangerous surgery (in March of 2004), and I went up to be with her for a while at that time, till she was out of the hospital at least. She then underwent a grueling series of chemo and radiation treatments that nearly killed her. She cut them short and said that she would rather live the rest of her life, even if it would be shorter. She recovered slowly, but as soon as she was able (I think it was actually a little sooner than she was able!) she returned to the monastery to give thanks and to reconnect with the life and prayer of the monks, all of whom she soon grew to love. She wanted to grow spiritually. Even though she was extremely grateful to have been in the Lord’s grace when she went through her surgery and all that, she said she still did not feel spiritually prepared to die. I invested her in the Brown Scapular (she is Roman Catholic but preferred Byzantine Liturgy and spirituality), and I tried to assure her that she was on the path to salvation. She had a strong but healthy sense of repentance, as her writings show, and this kept her close to Truth. Her favorite psalm was Psalm 50(51).

I helped her as much as I could, teaching her the Divine Office and other ways of prayer, answering her questions about God and the Scriptures, etc.—even having a few debates once in a while. She was eminently teachable, but still had her own mind and opinions! She made fairly frequent retreats over the next year and a half, and her health improved remarkably well. Aside from a little extra fatigue, she was living a normal, healthy life, and we entertained the hope that perhaps the Lord had actually healed her completely. I suggested once in a while that she have a scan just to check, but she didn’t want to, saying that if she felt fine that was enough for her. During this time she also received the gift from God to write holy icons. She has done several that are in our church, as well as the one for our shrine of the Mother of God, which we dedicated in August of 2005. I am blessed and honored that she gave me the very first icon she ever wrote (the Holy Face, which you can see at the "Laura's icons" site). The last icon she wrote was, appropriately, the Crucifixion.

In March of 2006, she had a routine doctor’s appointment. Afterward, she called me and said, “Fr Joseph, be strong…” My heart sank. They found that the cancer had returned and had also spread, and they couldn’t do anything about it except buy her a little time with more chemo. The prognosis: minimum lifetime left, 4 months; maximum, 2 years (it ended up being a year and three months). She went on a milder form of chemo for a short time, but then gave it up. Again, she wanted to fully live whatever time she had left.

During that time she was sharing some of her thoughts with me—good ones, too!—about life and death and getting ready to cross the threshold into eternity. That’s when I suggested she start a blog and share them with the world. She hesitated at first, but I didn’t relent, and I think many people are glad that she wrote. Six weeks or so before she died she asked me to publish her blog in a little book, as I published my blog posts in book form. I will honor her request, and add some more information about her journey toward the Kingdom, and hopefully it will be published early next year.

Even though we knew her days were numbered, she still felt pretty well and still came to Mt Tabor, and so even though we talked about her approaching death, the magnitude of it didn’t really sink in. After all, there she was, healthy-looking (if a bit too thin), smiling, talking, attending services in our church, etc. Then came Holy Week of 2007.

Her family called me and said they had to rush her to the ER in the middle of the night because of severe pain. They thought she might die right then. I was deeply grieved, not only because of this turn of events, but because I could not be there to comfort her. It is would have been wrong for me to leave the monastery during Holy Week, for this is my primary responsibility. But as she declined further, I did go and spend a few days with her, a couple weeks after Easter. She was frail then, already on morphine, and could not walk even a few steps without assistance. But one day she insisted I take her out for an Orange Julius and to see the cemetery where she was going to be buried! I did it only because she asked, but it was a kind of reality check on her health, because that short trip so completely exhausted her that she wept, realizing that she really could never do even such simple things again. We talked and prayed together, I heard her confession and brought her Holy Communion while I was there, just trying to take care of her final preparations for the Kingdom.

I left with a heavy heart, knowing that it would be the last time I would see her on earth. But we still talked on the phone from time to time. Then, in mid-May she had another crisis, and everyone, including the hospice nurses, thought she had no more than a couple days left. That is when this great and painful journey to the Cross (or rather, through the Cross to the Kingdom) began. She couldn’t eat any more (the cancer was in her pancreas, stomach, and liver), and only took liquid from a wet sponge placed in her mouth. She went in and out of consciousness, pain increasing and morphine increasing apace. She went through a kind of “dark night” of fear and the absence of the sense of God’s presence—like Jesus: “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?”—through which I tried to help her, but I was never sure if she was really taking it all in. It was very painful for me to know she was going through this, but I just prayed more earnestly. I was able to talk to her a few times during those weeks, as you’ve read in previous posts. I was a kind of connection to God for her, and that is why she called for me in her agony. But I prayed that I would decrease and that Jesus would increase, so she would see only Him. I’m grateful to the Lord for giving me one last chance to talk to her on Tuesday, even though she couldn’t respond. I wanted to reassure her that Jesus was taking his sufferings into his and that she had nothing to fear, for nothing could separate her from his love. I also was able to tell her how proud of her I was for all she was courageously enduring. I will miss very much being able to talk to her, though I’m sure I still will go on doing so, even if I can’t hear any reply! I prayed for her much and with my whole heart, offering many Divine Liturgies for her. It was difficult, but I received this word in the midst of this trial: "Under this test...glorify God by your obedience in acknowledging the Gospel of Christ" (2Cor 9:13). What I was to acknowledge, I think, is the "bottom line" of the Gospel of Christ: "He who believes in Me, though he die, yet shall he live" (Jn 11:25).

She was still not sleeping well on Wednesday, but that’s when I received the precious news that she was calling on the name of the Lord, even in her semi-conscious state. I’m pretty sure now that it meant that she had safely passed through the dark night, and all that was left was for the Lord, the heavenly Bridegroom, to come for his faithful little bride. In my daily reading of Scripture (presently the Gospel of Mark), during the week before Laura’s death, I was getting little hints: “He called to Him those whom He desired, and they came to Him (Mk 3); “Let us cross over to the other side…” (Mk 4); “Do not fear, only believe” (Mk 5). Then, when I was getting a bit nervous about how things were progressing, this was for me: "Peace, be still!... Have you no faith?" (Mk 6). Then back to Laura: “Take heart, it is I, have no fear” (Mk 6); “Whoever loses his life for My sake…will save it” (Mk 8).

Finally, today I read: “Take heart, rise, He is calling you…” (Mk 10). Furthermore, the Gospel at the Liturgy today was: “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest…” (Mt 11). Tears came to my eyes as I heard that, and I prayed that this would be the day that He would give her eternal rest. It was so perfect. [I'm adding this on Friday: I asked for a word from Scripture to somehow confirm that she is with the Lord. I opened the Bible, and it is as if she herself gave me the word: "The King has brought me into his chambers" (Songs 1:4). God is good.]

Before I close, I want to fulfill another one of her requests. She had wanted me to serve her funeral, though I will be unable to do so (I told her that, so she didn’t die with that expectation). But the reason was not so much that it would be I who did it, but that the people could hear the texts of the Byzantine service. I don’t know if they are going to arrange for the Byzantine priest from Seattle to come and do it (that was suggested) or if the local pastor would do it (it’s OK, he’s orthodox). But she did not want one of those funerals at which people tell funny stories and make a party out of it. (That can and should be done with family and friends—but not in church.) True to the Byzantine tradition, she wanted her funeral to be a “teaching moment” in which people would be reminded of the brevity of life and the inescapability of death and judgment. So here are a few typical texts from the service (this is definitely not a politically correct funeral but a sobering tonic):

“Come, brothers and sisters, let us bid a last farewell to her who has passed away, and also let us thank God. She is leaving her relatives and is hastening to the grave. No longer is she concerned about the vanity of the world and her human passions. Where are her relatives and friends? Behold, we are parting now. Let us pray to the Lord for her repose.

“What is our life? Indeed, it resembles a flower or smoke or the morning dew. Let us come and we will see: where is the physical beauty, where the youthfulness? All such things have faded like the grass and have disappeared. Despite all this, let us come and with tears fall down before Christ.”

The service even puts words in the mouth of the deceased:

“I am going to the Lord God, my Judge, to stand in judgment and to give an account of all my deeds. In the meantime I ask you to pray for me, that the Savior be merciful to me when He judges me. Thus we separate; indeed all is vanity… Just a while ago I talked to you and then the awful hour of death struck. Come, all who love me, and greet me for the last time.”

Finally, there are prayers of commending her soul to the Lord. There is actually much hope reflected in the service, but the texts do not flinch at the hard and final reality of death. It actually helps us grieve now, so we can rejoice in hope before too long. Here is the final prayer (personalized):

“O God of all spirits and of all flesh, You trampled death and broke the power of satan and granted life to your world. Now grant rest, O Lord, to the soul of your handmaid Laura, in a place of light, joy, and peace, where there is no pain, sorrow or mourning. As a kind and gracious God, forgive every sin committed by her in word, deed, or thought, since there is no one who exists and does not sin. You alone are without sin, your righteousness is everlasting and your word is truth. For You are the Resurrection, the Life, and the Repose of your departed handmaid, Laura, O Christ our God, and we glorify You, together with your Eternal Father and your All-holy, Good, and Life-giving Spirit, now and forever and unto ages of ages. Amen.

“In blessed repose, grant eternal rest, O Lord, to the soul of your departed handmaid Laura, and remember her forever.”

The choir then sings: “Let her memory be eternal, let her memory be eternal. With your saints, O Christ, grant her rest—and eternal memory.” At the end of the burial, the priest blesses the four sides of the grave, saying: “This grave is sealed until the Second Coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

Amen, Laura’s “passion” is over. Consummatum est. I’m so glad that the moment of her soul’s liberation has come. All that remains is life everlasting. So this is not an end but a glorious beginning. I’m sure she is happier at this moment than she ever imagined she could be. We used to say to each other, on her journey of growing faith, when we had some experience that confirmed what we believe: “It’s all true!” If only I could see her now and hear her say those words to me, with her big smile! But the day will come when we all share the same glory and joy—if we live this life as a preparation for the Kingdom.

Goodbye Laura, for now. We will miss you. Please pray for us that we may one day join you in Paradise. For love never ends…

A Bit of Encouragement

2007-06-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

I talked to one of Laura's sons yesterday. At first the news wasn't too good; she's still in and out of consciousness, trying to speak but mostly unable. They think she's building up a tolerance to the medication and so can't sleep very well, and is still in some pain (though it's hard to know just how much), but there are limits as to how much morphine and sedatives can be administered.

The encouragement, however, is this: he said that, while they could make out almost nothing of what she is trying to say, two words were clear: "God" and "Jesus". I thought to myself: She's praying! He also said he thought he heard her trying to say the Hail Mary. I'm not sure, but I hope and pray that this means she has passed through the darkest stage of fear and confusion and lack of awareness of God's presence, and that she is somehow connecting with Him, despite her diminished physical and mental capacities. I don't know how her body keeps going; she has "fasted" for 40 days now, and has been without water for 10, and the cancer continues to destroy her body from within. She still seems to be quite alive interiorly, though she is entirely immobile physically and unable to communicate what she is thinking or feeling. This, I think, is quite frustrating for her. But the fact that she has the name of God on her lips is something of a relief for me, and it gives me more confidence that God truly has her secure in his hands.

Please continue to pray. She is still suffering, but I hope her liberation will come very soon.

Abbot Joseph

The Divine Schedule

2007-06-19T14:39:00.000-07:00

I received a call from Laura’s daughter this morning. (I’m glad I received that letter yesterday, for it helped me accept the events of today.) She said that Laura woke up somewhat, but was still not able to communicate much. But she did say that Laura asked for me, so she put the phone to her ear so I could talk to her. For that I am grateful, because I was able to say a few things that I had wanted to say before she died. Yet it was also heartbreaking because Laura was struggling to say something to me, but she couldn’t. All she could do was make little sounds that no one could decipher. She was in pain, and that’s another reason her daughter called. Even with heavy doses of morphine (when she first started taking it, the dosage was 30mg every 12 hours; now it is 160mg every hour) as well as the sedatives, she is still in pain. But I’m sure her agony isn’t only about physical pain. When one is reduced to such a basic level of functioning, the primal instincts of self-preservation and fear of death surface, along with the sense of helplessness and of being alone—unable to say what one is desperately trying to say. Whatever else may be going on in her soul is something that God infuses in her, and that profound spiritual communion may even be something of which she is not consciously aware—yet everything God does will bear its intended fruit. It is very painful to stand next to her cross, even from a distance, but I’m doing everything I can to be available and to help her. It’s even more difficult for her family who helplessly stand by.

The most important thing I told her was something I believe that I heard from the Lord over a week ago, but which I was unable to tell her. During the Creed at Compline, when we said “He was crucified for us,” I looked up at our large icon of the crucifixion and suddenly I heard in my soul: “I am taking her death into Mine.” This must be the reason for her extended suffering. I told her that to comfort her—both so that she understands that her pain is not random or fruitless, but something wholly in God’s hands, and also that she would know that because Jesus is taking her death into his, nothing can separate her from his love. She is safe, secure, and on her way to Heaven. He has done this for her, even though it costs much suffering. I think she needed to know that she was not alone, that even her fears or turmoil do not mean that God is absent, but that this is all part of the mystery of the Cross and that she will soon be free from pain and enjoying the happiness of the blessed. I repeated these and similar things several times so that it would sink in, and I told her I was proud of her for her witness and her sacrifice and suffering for the Lord’s sake.

I also was able to give her a consoling Scripture verse, and I think this was providential, because I was working on a reflection on the “farewell discourses” of Jesus, beginning with chapter 14 of the Gospel of John, when her daughter called, so it was on my computer screen: “I will come and will take you to myself, that where I am, you may be also.” She may be with Him on the Cross now, but soon she will be with Him where He is in his glory and light. I don’t know how much of all this she understood or will be able to remember, but her daughter said she thinks that Laura understands what is said to her, even if she cannot speak. She said that the pain etched in Laura’s face subsided after I talked to her, so I hope that she will have some peace for a while.

Last night I opened a book I’m reading and saw this chapter title: “The Divine Schedule is Flawless.” (I recommend this book for anyone in a time of grief or pain. It is A Path through Suffering: Discovering the Relationship between God’s Mercy and our Pain, by Elisabeth Elliot.) It is based to some extent on the writings of a Christian missionary who died in North Africa in 1928. These writings are reflections on our relationship to God, using the life cycles of various flowers as analogies. “There is a definite moment at which the seed is ripe for being liberated… All prepared are the hooks or spikes or gummy secretions needed to anchor it to the ground, and so to give purchase to the embryo shoot when the time comes for it to heave its tombstone and come out into the light. Even its center of gravity is so adjusted that, in falling from the sheath, the germ is in the very position for its future growth. If it is torn out of the husk a day too soon, all this marvelous preparation will be wasted and come to naught.”

Laura is following the divine schedule. There is a definite moment at which her soul will be ripe for liberation. Everything that has been going on, painful as it is both for her and for us, is part of the “marvelous preparation.” The Lord will not allow her to go a day too soon and thus spoil the perfection of his work. Perhaps her pain is that of the “adjustment of her center of gravity,” so that when the grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies it will bear much fruit (Jn 12:24).

So let us pray that Laura will follow the flawless divine schedule to perfection. I hope that means that Jesus will take her to Himself soon, that where He is she will be, but in the meantime the Lord’s will is being done. Even Jesus once sought deliverance from it because of the unspeakable pain of body and soul required of Him, but in the end—to our everlasting happiness—He chose the Father’s will, as we are called to do now.

Abbot Joseph

A Letter

2007-06-18T10:48:00.000-07:00

I just received a letter from a friend who has been “following Laura's situation from the quiet sidelines for a while.” I had written to her just to unburden myself a little, and she wrote back the following. Since I haven’t yet asked her if I can make it public, I’ll leave her anonymous. But this is worth sharing with you:

“All I can conclude is that the death process is far more mysterious than we thought. And death is not limited to Laura's body, but it includes our expectations and assumptions about this as well. I've been getting one message consistently from this—that God is using her prolonged, protracted death to show us that He is greater than we imagine. Not greater at abandoning or neglecting us, or in delighting in our suffering to maybe settle some score, but greater in His love than we think we know. Something is going on here, something is being revealed in this mystery—I mean, the mystery itself is revealing something to us, and it may be more about us than Laura. My hunch is that God is using her faithfulness and love for Him for our good, for the enlightenment of the onlooker crowd who thought they might come to some reasonable expectation or presumption, given the medical knowledge and data and history of these illnesses.

“I have no idea what that lesson is yet, and it could run the gamut from something very simple—a goal of humility for us, say—to something way more heroic and loving on Laura's part—a kind of intercessory purpose to the powerful end days she's living right now. The fact that we can even propose conclusions tells me it may actually be something else, something we can't, and even aren't supposed to reason out. Father, they still do not know exactly what causes the onset of labor, when a mother's body begins the frightening mount of contractions. Let me tell you, it's involuntary, and you can't put it in reverse and come back the next day, or do it in doses. Once you give your body up to hold a growing new life, you are God's vessel. You are in His hands, and you will know that pain and agony of bringing that precious life forth. He can't do it without your flesh, muscles, sweat and pain.

“I keep getting that same picture here, but applied at the other end of life, in what we call "death". If Laura has given herself to God for His purpose, then she is His vessel. Whatever use He has of her, or plan for her, is His alone to know (until He clues her in eventually...). I loved what you wrote on her blog a few days back, when you rather firmly and clear-eyed-ly said that this is their intimacy. And intimacy is not for crowds, for commentary, for guessing why or what happens next. God veils these things for good reason.

“This is a time for reverent silence. And you know, it's going on all the time! Souls are doing this, have been doing this since time began, and still we are surprised, moved and awed—as we should be. It may be that God is…covering all eyes watching this. When He intends mystery, He's going to protect and guard it, until the time has come to draw the curtain back for our eyes to understand and know. I believe that he allows nothing out of unlove, but everything out of intense love: even a death that confounds our expectations, that will end as it began—in mystery, in intimacy; hidden, safe, held, and cherished.”

Nothing much to report. Laura has been unconscious for the past few days. We’re just keeping vigil.

Abbot Joseph

Sedate

2007-06-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

I talked with Laura's daughter today. I was hoping I might find Laura awake, because there was something I thought I could tell her to give her a little peace, in case she was still troubled. But I was told that Laura is being sedated now, so that she will sleep most of the time. When she is awake, she is still in pain, even with the heavy dose of morphine she's been taking. The morphine plus the sleeping medication seem to keep her relatively comfortable. The combination of the morphine and her lack of nourishment and the pain tended to make her rather agitated, and her mental capabilities have been getting kind of inconsistent. Her children knew it wasn't really their mother talking if she would get upset or confused, but rather the drugs and the illness.

So they asked Laura first if she would mind if they gave her something that would make her sleep most of the time. Being so worn out with suffering and distress, she said that it was OK, that she was ready to "sleep and go." Perhaps the worst of her sufferings are finished now--let us pray--and hopefully she will be able to sleep until the Lord comes for her. I don't suppose it will be long now, but this whole journey has been much longer than expected. They told me that if she did have a lucid and alert moment, they would call so I could talk to her, but probably I've said my last words to her already.

To paraphrase the Gospel, I think the Lord is saying: "Our friend Laura has fallen asleep, but I go to wake her." Not like he woke Lazarus, who still had to die again, but an awakening unto everlasting life and happiness. "As for me, when I awake, I shall see the sight of Your glory" (Ps 17).

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Abbot Joseph

This Morning

2007-06-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

I talked to Laura at about 4:00 AM today. She is still somewhat troubled. She said she's been having strange thoughts and feelings that keep her from peace. She wants to go to the Lord, but she thinks there's still something blocking his coming for her, and that is why she is troubled.

I tried to explain to her that since she has had no food for almost a month and has been taking strong drugs during that time, her capacity to think clearly and feel normally is diminished. (Her pain has been getting worse, and now she is on a constant morphine drip.) So I just encouraged her repeatedly to trust in the Lord, to realize that "peace with God," which St Paul says is ours through Christ, is not a feeling but a fact, a state a being, a relationship, and that there is nothing she could do at this point to lose her salvation or to be separated from God's love. I told her to repeat the psalm verse, "Only in God is my soul at rest..." and before I could finish the verse, she did so herself: "in Him is my salvation." Her family told me that after I talked to her, she calmed down considerably.

She thought she was going to die on Sunday, but that didn't happen. I have no idea why she has survived this long, nor does anyone else. Her suffering has been increasing, both interiorly and exteriorly. As I was praying for her, I thought of what the Lord said about his own suffering after his resurrection: "Did not the Christ have to suffer and so enter into his glory?" So I resigned myself to the fact that Laura has to suffer before she can enter into glory.

I talked to one of her sons on Sunday. He spoke of her, that emaciated, semi-conscious figure lying on her bed of suffering, and he eloquently summed up all his love and pain simply by saying: "She's my mom." My heart went out to him and all her family who are caring for her and watching her slowly die.

I don't know if I will talk to her again. She may be in her final agony. I really have no idea what the Lord is doing with her, but to whom shall I go? He has the words of eternal life and the power to save, so I put my trust in Him. Please continue to pray for her.

Abbot Joseph

PS Pray also for so many people in the world who live heedlessly and have no idea what they are going to have to face when they come to the end of their lives. If Laura has to struggle so much--she who loves the Lord and has served Him well, has lived a fairly intense sacramental and prayer life the past few years, and has witnessed publicly to His truth--what will it be like for those who have ignored God's commandments and lived for their own pleasures? We only have one opportunity in this world to prepare ourselves for eternity. Let us not wait until the last minute, for we may find ourselves unable to endure the moment of realization that there's nothing more we can do, that we have no strength left, that it's too late to try to start living a righteous life. The Lord has told us; we must take Him seriously.

Please Pray

2007-06-02T14:45:00.000-07:00

I was able to talk to Laura for a few minutes today, while her daughter held the phone to her ear. She was weak and rather groggy, but lucid. She said she feels like her time is almost up. She still hasn't eaten anything in almost 3 weeks, and only takes very small amounts of water. I'm surprised she is still alive.

This was a difficult conversation. She said she is afraid because she cannot feel the presence of God, and she began to cry. Then she said she wished I was there and I began to cry. I was there some weeks ago; I believe that was the time I was supposed to be there. Objectively seen, her soul is ready to go to God and is in his grace, even if she now has some subjective fear, which is normal. I'm unable to keep making the 850-mile trip, and chances are I would be too late anyway. What I can do for her I can do better here, since she's asleep most of the time. But I do feel rather helpless, and frankly, I hope the Lord will delay no longer in coming for her.

Laura seemed to be in relative peace after I talked to her. I had told her that even Jesus lost the awareness of his Father's presence when He was dying, and that this is her hour to share with Him on the Cross, for the Cross is the only way to Heaven. I reminded her of St Faustina's "Jesus, I trust in You," and of Jesus' own, "Into Your hands I commend my spirit." I tried to help her see that she has to focus all her attention on the Lord now. She is well taken care of; her family is all around her. I didn't want to add to her fear, and I didn't say it like this, but everyone has to die alone, that is, it is a most intimate matter between the soul and God. When that moment comes it doesn't matter who else is in the room; God is All. I reminded her of your prayers and concern as well, and she took comfort in that.

So please continue to pray. Pray that she has peace and trust, and that she will be protected from all fear and anxiety about crossing the threshold into eternity. Pray that after this moment of perceived abandonment, she will feel the Lord's presence and surrender to his embrace. I told her that He is waiting for her with open arms, and that she needs only to let herself go to Him. Pray also that she will remember the things I told her that gave her peace, because that's not easy in her condition. Thank you. I will keep you informed.

Abbot Joseph

An Unexpected Call

2007-05-23T14:58:00.000-07:00

When I arose this morning at about 4:00, I noticed the light flashing on my answering machine. I wondered if it would be the inevitable news of Laura's death. Much to my surprise, it was Laura! She had called about an hour earlier and asked me to call back as soon as possible. I thought I'd never talk to her again in this life.

As far as her physical condition goes, little has changed. She is still very weak, and her body, as she said, is "skin and bones." But the last time I had talked to her, about 10 days ago, she didn't even have the strength to speak, and she could only utter little sounds. This morning her voice was strong and clear, almost fully normal. She said she ate a bit of jello, but aside from juice and Jesus (she still receives the Holy Eucharist), that all she's had these 10 days.

But she didn't call to give me an update. There was a serious reason, something she wants me to pass on to you. The last couple nights she has been disturbed by dreams that could only come from the devil. The main disturbance was that whenever evil approached, in whatever form, it was accompanied by the most horrible stench she had ever experienced. In the dream, it made her fall to the ground and she was unable to get up, so sickening was it. Now this is not a projection from her own physical illness. She is not in pain, nor is she nauseous. Plus, others in her house have just had the same experience. She asked me for prayers and is having a priest come and exorcise the house tomorrow. Apparently the devil is attacking this family in their time of greatest suffering and sorrow. If you didn't yet know the devil's true colors, you know them now: utter hatred, cruelty, and vileness, hurting people as much as possible when they are most vulnerable. He is recognized by his stench, at least by those who are spiritually aware. There is a Desert Fathers story of a monk who was approached by a demon in the form of a beautiful woman. But she had such a horrible stench the monk wouldn't come near her. The devil realized that it was because of the monk's purity of heart that he wasn't able to be deceived by appearances, but recognized the foul demon immediately.

This is what Laura wants everyone to know: evil is real and sin has real consequences. We simply aren't sufficiently aware of how dangerous and how horrible it is to flirt with evil in any form. People live in sin and yet talk about the merciful God, but they don't stop and think that He is a just God as well, and that sin is intolerable to Him. He readily forgives when we repent, but we dare not brave his justice by minimizing the foulness of sin, delaying repentance, or just living heedlessly. God is not mocked, says St Paul; we shall reap what we sow. Laura says if you have the courage, pray to experience what she did, so you will know once for all what evil smells like, that is, what a rotten, horrifying thing it is. That alone could be the wake-up call to get people to realize that if they don't want to endure that stench for all eternity, now's the time to turn wholeheartedly to God. There is so much of evil around us, wherever there is immorality, lust for power, greed, etc. The smell is particularly bad in the area of sexual perversions and world's uncritical embrace of them. In his eye-opening book, The Marketing of Evil, David Kupelian notes, among many other things, that on the internet there are well over four million porn sites! They wouldn't be there if millions of people weren't addicted to them.

Laura doesn't know why this has happened now, or even why she is suddenly able to speak clearly again, except that perhaps the Lord wants this word to get out. With this warning against evil, she even said to me (one becomes fearless of human respect when standing at the brink of eternity): "I don't know if anything is going on with you..." Providentially, I had already made an appointment for confession, to be prepared for the Holy Spirit on Pentecost, and when I told her that, she just said, "Good."

Still wondering what to make of all this, I prayed and opened the Bible, seeking some confirmation. This is what I saw: "If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not have sin; but now they have no excuse for their sin... I have said all this to you to keep you from falling away... When [the Holy Spirit] comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and justice and judgment: of sin, because they do not believe in me; of justice, because I go to the Father and you will see me no more; of judgment, because the ruler of this world [i.e., the devil] is condemned" (John 15:22 -- 16:11). I needed to read no further...

I don't know what the Lord is doing with her, and this new turn of events makes me realize how little any of us knows about the designs of God. All the more reason simply to trust Him and let his will be done. Is this the last message the Lord wants to give us through her, or dare we hope that He will keep her around for a while, or longer? By all indications she is still terminally and even mortally ill, yet today she sounded like her old self. Let us continue to pray that she and we and her family will simply embrace God's will, come what may, and in the meantime learn from someone whose spiritual perception may very well be much sharper than ours as she prepares to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Abbot Joseph

Keeping Vigil

2007-05-22T09:33:00.000-07:00

Laura is still alive, already having outlived the prediction of her hospice nurse last week. Her condition has not improved, though; she simply hasn't died yet. She has not eaten for 10 days, and she takes water or juice only from a little sponge. Mentally she goes in and out, and is asleep most of the time. The morphine is keeping her relatively comfortable. It probably will not be very long now, but everyone is just praying and taking things one day at a time. I'm in contact with her family, so I get updates from time to time. Thank you for your prayers.

Abbot Joseph

Getting Closer

2007-05-13T15:29:00.000-07:00

It looks like Laura is getting closer to her "wedding day." I think of the icon of Christ she has written entitled, "The Bridegroom," depicting Him in the scarlet robe and the crown of thorns. His love for us was consummated on the Cross, and we have to pass through our own suffering and death before we can be received into the joyous and eternal "wedding feast of the Lamb."

She is getting weaker, cannot talk for very long. I tried to call today to wish her a happy Mother's Day (she has four children), but her son told me she is not doing well today and wouldn't be able to talk. Her body is having difficulty regulating its temperature, and she has had some serious fever and chills. I don't know if it is a coincidence, but just yesterday I read this line from Dante's Purgatorio: "...whence a chill seized on me, as seizes him who to his death is going."

I'm scheduled to offer the Divine Liturgy for her on the feast of Ascension, which would certainly be an appropriate day, but perhaps she is not that close yet. There really is no way to tell, and those who love her are living one day at a time as her energy rises and falls, not sure if each present crisis is the final one. But "the souls of the just are in the hand of God, and no torment shall ever touch them," says the author of the Book of Wisdom. All things will be as He would have them, for she has made her peace with Him, and she is sheltered by his hand.

I'll keep you posted.

Abbot Joseph

No News is Good News

2007-05-07T11:46:00.000-07:00

Just a little update for those of you who are checking. There's really nothing new to report, which at least means she's still alive and not exactly at death's door. She has good days and bad days, but she's trying to make the best of the time that still remains.

One thing that is something of a mixed blessing is that she has a steady stream of visitors--relatives and friends. This is often a consolation, but it also leaves her quite exhausted, so she has to limit visits and conversations according to her reduced capacities. When one's body is pouring all its energy into sheer survival and struggle against an invading disease, even the smallest things are very tiring.

She is getting the best of spiritual care, especially the Holy Eucharist, almost daily. People come and pray with her, read her the Scriptures, bring holy oil and relics of saints, etc. So she is enfolded in the grace of the Lord, and we can be sure that whatever happens will be according to his will.

Thank you for your continuing prayers.

Abbot Joseph

A Few Days with Laura

2007-04-26T15:15:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday afternoon now, and Laura is sleeping peacefully. I've been here since Monday afternoon and will be leaving tomorrow morning. Things are as good as can be expected at this point. She is very weak and tired, and is in bed all the time, but we've still had sufficient time to talk as she "prepares for the Kingdom." Our conversations have been fruitful, and I'm grateful to be able to support and encourage her these few days--and especially grateful for the opportunity to place the divine Host upon her tongue, her Viaticum for the journey, her sure hope for salvation.

There have been no significant changes in her situation this week, except that yesterday she felt so weak and drained that she thought she was near death. Today she has more energy and we've been able to talk quite a bit. She had been anointed recently, so it wasn't necessary for me to do that again, but I've been bringing Jesus to her in Holy Communion each day, and today I heard her confession and granted her a plenary indulgence. I'm satisfied that she is spiritually ready to meet her Lord, and this is a consolation for me and of course for her as well. There is still some "letting go" to be done, but it is all part of the process, and everything has clearly been in God's hands the whole time. She has loving and supportive family members, and the hospice workers have been very helpful and kind. The local parish has arranged to have someone bring her Communion daily.

It is sad and painful for many that she is approaching death from cancer while only in her mid-fifties, with four children, and as she was just beginning her vocation as an iconographer. But she really couldn't ask for a better or more supportive environment in which to be as she comes to the end of her earthly life--and the beginning of the life that never ends. Her spirits are good, though there are of course times of sadness and perhaps a little fear, from which even Jesus was not spared as He approached his death. But having been personally involved in the spiritual tranformation she has experienced in the past few years, I can say that she is living these days with eyes open, with hope for eternal life, and with gratitude to the Lord for having given her both the time and the grace to be able to "go forth in peace, in the name of the Lord."

We really don't know how much time she has left. She could go at any moment, though it seems likely that she has several weeks left, maybe more. But she would like everyone to know that we have always to live as if we would soon be standing before the Lord, for it may in fact be that you and I could die even before she does. No one knows the day or the hour. We may die after a protracted illness or suddenly without warning. Jesus said, "I say to all: Watch!" Laura has learned the lesson of vigilance and it is paying off now as she can face death with courage and faith. That is not something that can be improvised at the last moment. She is grateful to you for your support and friendship and prayers, and she prays for you too. I relay your comments to her as I am able. I'll give updates when there is any significant news to share.

Abbot Joseph

As of April 17

2007-04-17T15:19:00.000-07:00

Some people have been asking me for an update, but there's not too much to report. Laura has declined somewhat, meaning that she now has to be on morphine constantly for pain, since the cancer is evidently advancing. She is able to take a relatively low dosage, so she is still conscious and able to communicate, though she is usually extremely tired. She can do very little except rest and take a little nourishment--and pray, of course.

I am hoping to be able to visit her next week, to help with her final spiritual preparations for the Kingdom. Please continue to keep her in your prayers. This is a journey that we all have to make eventually, and it is the most important thing we'll ever do. Now is the time to begin living with an eye to eternity, that is, with our souls in right relationship with God, for death can come like a thief in the night...

I'll let you know more after I see her, God willing.

Abbot Joseph

Update

2007-04-08T16:14:00.000-07:00

Hello, this is Abbot Joseph, a friend of Laura's. She gave me her login codes and asked me to keep you posted on her condition, since she doesn't think she will be able to write any more. She is declining rather seriously and is in hospice care now. Her pancreas is shutting down and going into periodic spasms, which are very painful, and she has to be on morphine when this happens. The cancer has spread to other parts of her body as well. I am able to talk with her once in a while, but she is often too weak or asleep. She is bedridden and has no energy to do anything. But she can still receive Holy Communion, and a nun from her parish brings Him to her regularly. Laura is at peace and knows that she will die soon, and she is trying to "prepare for the Kingdom," as she has been writing in this blog. She has much support from her family, though of course this is hard on everyone. Please continue to pray for her. She is grateful for your comments and prayers, and she wants everyone to know that she has experienced great support and inner strength from the prayers of many, and this has been a real consolation to her. If she were to write another post, it would be on the power of prayer. The first thing she said to me when I called today was, "Christ is risen!"

I will let you know if there are any major developments, and also when the Lord brings her Home.

It's All About God

2007-03-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest compliments I’ve ever received was from my 8 year old granddaughter Jazmyn. A couple of years ago, she and her younger sister Anna came to stay with me for a few days over their Christmas break. They’d never been to my apartment so when they walked in the door they looked all around going into every room. Then Jazmyn came over and said the most beautiful thing. She said, “Grandma, it’s all about God!” I looked at her, smiled and said, “Yes, it is all about God isn’t it.”

I had never really thought about my apartment as being all about God before. This made me wonder if others had the same impression. I hope they did. I think this is part of being that light of the world that Jesus speaks about. Not only how we live, but what we surround ourselves with in our homes becomes a clear indication of who we are. Are we “all about God?”

Now that I live with others and have my own room, I guess you could say that my room is all about God. I’ve surrounded myself with the holy icons, my spiritual books and my work area where I write icons. Whenever I look around I think, this is to remind me of who I am and Who I serve. It is a reminder of where I want to go when I leave this life. When I wake up in the morning it’s the first thing I see and when I close my eyes at night I feel that my soul is safe.

This is a very special place. It is where I can go and be alone with the Lord. Everyone should have a special place in their home, even if it’s very small. Eastern Catholics have what is called an Icon corner, where the holy icons are placed with some candles and a Bible. It is a place to go and pray and remember why we are here. It’s God’s special place in our home.

I hope that my little granddaughters will keep these memories with them and if someday they find themselves looking for the right path, they will think of Grandma’s home and remember, “it’s all about God.”

I'm Still Here

2007-03-23T23:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've posted. I was gone for about 5 weeks and since I've returned home I haven't been feeling too well. I hope to start up again soon, but just wanted to let you know that I'm still here.

Please pray for me. My current blood tests have been good, but I think the traveling was a bit too much. It's taking a long time to recover. But, the Lord knows what's best and that is what matters.

May he strengthen us with his everlasting love.

Memories Worth Saving

2007-02-06T17:29:00.000-08:00

I am currently on retreat at Mt. Tabor Monastery and haven’t had a chance to post a blog in a couple of weeks, maybe longer. So I thought I should probably get started on my blog posts again while I’m still here.

I recently finished the Icon of the Crucifixion. It was a challenge to write this one because of the detail involved with each of the figures. I hope to have it up on my icon site soon.

I’ve been here at Mt. Tabor for about a week and a half and during this time I’ve been having a lot of memories of various events in my life that I haven’t thought of in years. Sometimes the Lord brings these memories to my mind when I least expect them, like in the middle of the night after a dream about something that happened years ago.

So I started wondering today after reading from Fr. Abbot’s book, Joy Comes With Dawn, about “System Restore” where he asks if we would like to set back our souls to the time before our last (or first) grievous sin. That really got me thinking about when I first started moving away from the Lord.

It was probably when I was about thirteen and in the midst of peer pressure. Although, I don’t think I committed any grievous sin until later on in my high school years. But I never was able to really get away with anything. My parents would always somehow find out what I’d been up to and would make sure I couldn’t get into more serious trouble by keeping home when all my friends would be out having a good time.

As I look back on my life, I can see how small sins led to big sins and over the years as I kept turning away from God I sank deeper and deeper into darkness. After graduation from high school, I left the church completely for about ten years. Then one night in the summer of 1979 I had the following experience.

I was married at the time, and my husband and I had just purchased a brand new sailboat, which we were living aboard. We took the boat out for a short sail just outside the harbor in Dana Pt., California. The sunset was beautiful and all was good. Life was great, so I thought. Then as we turned to come back the wind picked up and so did the waves. There was a huge barge anchored not too far from where we were so we decided to get the engine started and motor in. But, we didn’t realize how strong the current was and before we could start the engine, we had come too close to the barge. We got caught under one of the steel anchor cables and suddenly our beautiful boat was being scraped apart.

We managed to get out from under the cable, but now the cable was under the boat, between the rudder and the keel scraping away at the bottom of the boat. It was only a matter of time before it would create a hole and we would sink.

I went down into the cabin to use the radio to call for help, but it would not work. This was a brand new radio, why didn’t it work! Now I was scared. Suddenly, my life passed before me and I somehow sensed an evil presence closing in. They were coming to take my soul. I remember standing there in terror and saying, O God, I know that I’ve wasted my life, but if you’ll give me another chance I promise I’ll change and come back to You.

The thought came to me to try the radio again and when I did, it lit up immediately and within a few minutes the coast guard was coming to rescue us.

The next day I went to the Catholic Church in Dana Pt., to thank God for not only saving my life, but also for saving my soul. It took several months, but my life did change and all was well for several years until again I took the wrong path. Another story, another time.

So if I could change events in my life, there are many that I would delete, but also many that I would save. This story is certainly one I would save. God’s mercy cannot be outdone. Not only did He save me then, but He saved me again twenty-some years later. He will do whatever is necessary to bring us back to Him and when we, like the Prodigal Son say, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son,” He will quickly shower us with his mercy and love and set a feast before us because we were lost, but now we are found; dead, but now alive.

I don’t recommend that we put God to the test and make devastating choices like I did and leave Him again once He has rescued us. Although He saved me again, it was not as quickly the second time. I remained in what I would describe as a spiritual hell for many years before I came to my senses and asked for forgiveness. It was much harder to return to Him a second time knowing how I had offended Him.

So no matter how long it’s been or what you’ve done, with a repentant and contrite heart you can come before Him and He will take you back. For just as the father in the story of the Prodigal, he waits and watches for our return.

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good; for his love endures forever! Psalm 117

Proper Heavenly Concern

2007-01-12T21:36:00.000-08:00

Recently, I have been reflecting on the salvation of souls, or “my neighbor’s salvation.” I came across a homily, which explains clearly what it means to be concerned with my neighbor’s salvation. It cuts right to the heart of what we need to be doing if we truly are concerned with our own salvation and that of others. Perhaps this will help us to see the futility of our own opinions, what we think, and turn to the real power that changes hearts and causes those who are walking in darkness to come into the light.

I will begin with a passage from the Gospel of Mark, Chapter 12:28-34.

And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that He answered them well, asked Him, “Which commandment is the first of all?” Jesus answered, “The first is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one; and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” And the scribe said to Him, “You are right, Teacher; you have truly said that He is one, and there is no other but He; and to love Him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself, is much more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.” And when Jesus saw that he answered wisely, He said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.”

Now, the Homily on concern for the salvation of our neighbors:

Let no man seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor. (1 Corinthians 10:24)

This is the principle of the saints of God, both now and in the past, always and forever. This is the principle on which society is built. Upon this principle can be established the most perfect, most God-pleasing and most prosperous human society. This is the saving principle for every type of difficulty, against which contemporary men struggle without victory and without hope.

The holy soul is concerned with where the homeless will spend the night, how the hungry will be fed, how the naked will be clothed. The holy soul is concerned, and prays to God that his neighbors be saved; that their hearts be filled with love toward God; that their minds be directed toward God; that the wicked turn from the path of wickedness; that those wavering in the Faith be strengthened; that those who are strengthened be sustained; that those who have died see the face of God; and that the living be written in the Book of Life in the Kingdom of Light.

The Prologue of Ochrid

This is not the entire homily, but the portion regarding our neighbor, which refers to what we are to be concerned with and what we are to do about it. Sometimes it would seem that praying to God is not enough. However, when we pray to God out of sincere concern for the soul of another it apparently is enough. It is pointless and a complete waste of precious time to discuss, debate or argue over issues that concern the salvation of another. Believe me, when one is forced to look at the reality of death and judgment before God, it becomes obvious what a distraction this really is.

Christ is very clear in his teachings on who will and who will not enter the kingdom of heaven. As we see in the above passage from the Gospel of Mark, he addresses the scribe as being one who is “not far from the kingdom of God.” And why, because this particular scribe understands the meaning of the two greatest commandments and knows in his heart that he must put them into practice. No burnt offering or sacrifice will compare with these before God.

There is a final prayer at the end of the above homily that says:

“O Lord, Holy Spirit, Who, through the tongue of the apostle of God, has released these holy words in the world, as bright rays of the sun to illuminate and not to burn us, help us now to fulfill them in the proper heavenly sense – to the glory of the Triune God and for the salvation of our souls.”

The words that strike me here are “in the proper heavenly sense.” When we are concerned for our neighbors, we are concerned for their souls. We are not speaking here about their psychological, emotional or physical state. We are talking about eternal salvation of the soul, which does not include the bodily senses. Sins of the flesh are deadly because they block the salvation of the soul. There can be no wavering when speaking about sins of the flesh. We must have the courage to call a soul out of their sin, to be able to say, “You don’t have time for this! What’s important is to start directing your attention to your eternal salvation.” There’s nothing to discuss here.

It should be obvious that these things are deadly to our eternal salvation because they do not fulfill the two commandments that Christ says are above all others, loving God and loving our neighbor. When we put ourselves and our personal wants and needs above God, then we are not concerned with our own souls and we certainly cannot expect God to be pleased with that. It also means that we are not concerned for our neighbor’s soul. Again, this is not pleasing to God.

So now that both of the greatest commandments are broken and ignored, how can we believe for one moment that we will enter the kingdom of God. We will be far, far from the kingdom of God! Death will come like a thief in the night, and we will have nowhere to run. We will find ourselves in eternity with no time left to correct our wrongs. Is this where we want to end up? Is this where we want our neighbor to end up?

Our primary concern for our neighbor cannot be with how they have come to be the way they are. Our concern must be with what will happen to them should they not turn their attention and mind toward God. And what is this “Attention of the mind?” The Fathers have this to say:

Attention is a sign of repentance.
Attention is the appeal of the soul to itself, hatred of the world and ascent towards God.
Attention is renunciation of sin and acquisition of virtue.
Attention is an undoubting certainty of the remission of sins.
Attention is the beginning of contemplation, or rather its necessary condition: for, through attention, God comes close and reveals Himself to the mind.
Attention is serenity of the mind, or rather its standing firmly planted and not wandering, through the gift of God’s mercy.
Attention means cutting off thoughts, it is the abode of remembrance of God and the treasure-house of the power to endure all that may come.

Therefore attention is the origin of faith, hope and love; since he who has no faith cannot bear all the afflictions coming from without, and he who does not suffer them willingly cannot say: “He is my refuge and my fortress” (Ps. 91.2); and he who has not the Almighty as his refuge cannot be truly sincere in his love for Him.

Writings from the Philokalia on Prayer of the Heart

So I appeal to you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, be concerned for the souls of those who still walk in darkness and through prayer with humility, intercede for them often. Understand that deadly sin cannot be pushed aside with human remedies. It must be faced and confronted for what it is. Only then can true repentance occur. Only then can one begin to turn their mind, heart and soul toward God and toward their neighbor. Only then can the two greatest commandments be fulfilled. Only then will the Lord say, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.”

God is Good

2007-01-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

I wanted to give you an update on my current health condition. I went to the doctor on Jan. 2nd for a regular follow up visit. I no longer see my oncologist, but I do have a primary care physician here in Anacortes that I see about once every two months.

Last November, a blood draw was taken and he said that the results were better than those of the previous draw back in June. This visit I was told that I was remarkable! The nurse said, "You are a walking miracle!" To which I replied, "God is good."

It is important to share all the good things that God does for us. In the medical world, I have far exceeded their expectations and they have no explanation as to why. But for those who have faith, this is just a prime example of God's work. We have prayed and He has answered according to his plan.

It is also important for me not to lose sight of what I have learned so far, and that is to always remember that He is in control of my health and that I must continue to walk in his ways so that others will see that He is the Way, the Truth and the Life for us all.

So let us give glory to God for all his wonderful gifts and answer to prayer and let us keep moving in the direction of the heavenly kingdom, not waivering in our faith. For He is always with us to guide us in every situation that he gives to us.

Praised be Jesus Christ both now and forever and unto ages of ages!

Changing Direction

2007-01-01T21:02:00.000-08:00

Today as I was reflecting on my current health condition, I asked the Lord if He could tell me something about it. I read the following just shortly after I asked.

"We must understand, then, that even though God doesn't always give us what we want, He gives us what we need for salvation." St. Augustine of Hippo

Now that's a direct answer! It really makes me see any kind of suffering or illness from a perspective of hope rather than fear.

A few days ago I received a newsletter from the Prayer Ministry I belong to here in the parish. When I opened it this was the first thing I read:

"Do not let your heart be troubled. Trust in me and trust in my Heavenly Father. For I go to prepare a place for you. Where I am, you will be."
John 14:1-3

This struck me as a little alarming and what was the first thing I did, I let my heart be troubled! No sooner did I read what not to do and I did it. I guess it kind of showed me where I'm at. But that's a good thing. I would rather know that I still need to work on accepting whatever comes than to think that I can do all things without any difficulty.

The Lord is very good at keeping me aware of my shortcomings and I have to say, I do appreciate that.

I've also been receiving a word on repentance recently. This is repentance as in "changing direction" as Fr. Abbot would say. The words of John the Baptist keep coming to mind:

"Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand."
"The voice of one crying in the wilderness:
Prepare the way of the Lord, make his paths straight."

I feel I might need to be more disciplined about how I spend my time, since time is of great value. We all need to see time as something we just can't take for granted anymore. It's important to make every minute count, to be aware of what we're doing and why we're doing it. Is it going to matter in the end? Is it contributing to the salvation of my soul? I ask myself these questions now about most everything and if the answer is no, then I can't let myself be distracted by them.

I also read something very beautiful on repentance from "A Spiritual Psalter" from the works of St. Ephraim the Syrian. He says:

"Blessed is he who loves repentance, which saves all sinners, and does not delight in sin, that he might not appear ungrateful before God our Savior."

In looking at it this way, the call to repentance is the key to our salvation. If there's one thing we don't want, it's to appear ungrateful before God.

So I will leave you with this final thought, if we were to appear before God tomorrow, how would we feel about ourselves? How would we feel about the way we've spent our time in this life? Have we repented and changed direction? I know that even though I've changed the direction of my life, I need to continue to change. This is an ongoing process while we are still here on this earth.

So let's make the commitment to repent and in doing so, show the Lord that we are grateful for all the things He has done for us.

Praised be Jesus Christ now and forever!

The Mother of God

2006-12-28T20:36:00.000-08:00

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for me a sinner, now and at the hour of my death.

These words resound over and over again in my mind and in my heart as I pray my daily rosary. Sometimes I pray for specific people, sometimes for the souls in purgatory and sometimes for myself as I approach the hour of my death.

I can only hope I will be so honored as to have the Mother of God praying for me at the hour of my death. This is something that all of us need to request from her. For who better knows the heart of her Son. What greater advocate do we have than she who gave birth to Our Savior.

I read a very beautiful reflection on Mary this week. It isn't for those who are not willing to lay down their short lives to serve the Lord. It is however, for those (and I am speaking to women here) who are willing to become lowly and humble so as to represent the true meaning of a virtuous woman. May the Lord grant us the grace we need to hear this message.

Homily on the Most-holy Virgin, the Theotokos
by St. Nikolai Velimirovic, The Prologue of Ochrid

And Mary said: Behold the handmaid of the Lord (Luke 1:38)

Here indeed, is a true handmaid of the Lord! If a handmaid is she who exchanges her will completely for the will of her Lord, then the Most-holy Virgin is the first among all of the Lord's handmaids. If a handmaid is she who, with intent and with complete attention, beholds her Lord, then again the Most-holy Virgin is the first among the handmaids of the Lord. If a handmaid is one who meekly and quitely endures all insults and trials, awaiting only the reward of her Lord, then again and again the Most-holy Virgin is the first and most excellent of all the handmaids of the Lord. She did not care to please the world, but only God; nor did she care to justify herself before the world, but only before God. She herself is obedience; she herself is service; she herself is meekness. The Most-holy Virgin could in truth say to the angel of God: Behold the handmaid of the Lord. The greatest perfection, and the greatest honor that a woman can attain on earth, is to be a handmaid of the Lord.

Through the prayers of the Most-holy Virgin Theotokos, O Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on us.

This should be our desire and greatest goal in this life, to be a handmaid of the Lord. To be willing to serve Him in the most undesirable of circumstances. If I may be so bold to say that women are not called to be priests. We are not called to shepherd the flock. We are called to serve just as Mary served. She did not help Jesus lead the people. She did not present herself as a woman of great pride, but of one of great virtue. And now she is held in the highest of all places with her Son. Higher in honor than the Cherubim and beyond compare more glorious than the Seraphim.

How can any woman consider herself called to anything but a handmaid of the Lord. As St. Nikolai so beautifully says, "The greatest perfection and greatest honor that a woman can attain on this earth, is to be a handmaid of the Lord." What more is there to want than this. All else is vainglory.

At the hour of death, I pray that by the mercy and grace of God, I will have somehow become as a lowly handmaid, an unworthy servant who hopefully, has done only what has been required of her by the Lord. May He find me worthy and say the words I will long to hear, "Well done good and faithful servant." And may the Mother of God welcome me with her Son into the heavenly Kingdom. This is my desire. This is my hope.

Through the prayers of the Mother of God, O Savior save us!

God With Us

2006-12-23T17:34:00.000-08:00

What can be said about the love of the Lord that can change hearts? Perhaps if we stop and listen in silence, we will hear his sweet voice crying out to us from the manger. An infant, God comes to earth, trusting that those He has chosen will care for him and love him.

During this season of Advent, in preparation for the Lord's coming, I went to Mt. Tabor for a short visit. As always, it was very edifying. I prayed a lot for those who have asked me to pray for specific situations. I prayed for miracles, for patient endurance, for clear and right decernment and for the souls of many who are lost.

I was blessed by the company of several friends that I've met at Mt. Tabor over the past few years as well as by the company of the monks and especially Fr. Abbot. He blessed me with a copy of his new book, "Joy Comes the Dawn" which is not only spiritually enlightening, but a reflection of true Christianity.

I have experienced God in so many ways over the past couple of years that it has become hard for me to imagine Him not being with us. But there was a time long ago when He had not come in the flesh, but promised that he would redeem all mankind. So in His perfect time, He came as one of us, an infant needing to be cared for. How special were those He chose for this task. How carefully He planned his birth.

And here we are, 2000 years later, experiencing the reality of God with us. If you are not experiencing this reality, then I suggest you sit quietly and open the scriptures. Read the historical reality of this incredible birth. Read the prophecies in Isaiah and Malachi. Read the Gospel accounts in Matthew and Luke. Then read the Gospel of John. One cannot read these sacred writings without experiencing God with us.

May the peace of Christ be with all of you during this beautiful season when we celebrate his birth and may we sing with the multitude of angels, Glory to God in the Highest and Peace to His people on earth!

Christ is born! Glorify Him!

Giving Thanks

2006-11-29T19:07:00.001-08:00

First of all, I would like to thank all of you who have given me much support during this past year. I had a very nice Thanksgiving with my family and friends. Again, I am amazed that I am still here. But I thank you and the Lord.

I have been writing another icon. This icon makes me look at Christ as He is hanging on the cross. As I see his face, it looks very peaceful as He has already given up his spirit to the Father.

In a reading from "The Sayings of the Desert Fathers" an Abba, who is considered very holy to his disciples is at the point of death. Here is an account of his passing.

It was said of Abba Sisoes that when he was at the point of death, while the Fathers were sitting beside him, his face shone like the sun. He said to them, "Look, Abba Anthony (St. Anthony the Great) is coming." A little later he said, "Look, the choir of prophets is coming." Again his countenance shone with brightness and he said, "Look, the choir of apostles is coming." His countenance increased in brightness and lo, he spoke with someone. Then the old men asked him, "With whom are you speaking, Father?" He said, "Look, the angels are coming to fetch me, and I am begging them to let me do a little penance." The old men said to him, "You have no need to do penance, Father." But the old man said to them, "Truly, I do not think I have even made a beginning yet."

This was a man who spent 72 years on St. Anthony's mountain living a life of prayer and asceticism. Let us continue.

Now they all knew that he was perfect. Once more his countenance suddenly became like the sun and they were all filled with fear. He said to them, "Look, the Lord is coming and he's saying, "Bring me the vessel from the desert." Then there was a flash of lightening and all the house was filled with a sweet odour.

What a beautiful way to meet the Lord. As I sat in our little Adoration Chapel on Thanksgiving Day, I said to the Lord, "If I can't be here next year, then I hope I can be with You."

I think He would like all of us to feel this way.

Blessed are You Lord, now and forever.

Prayer For Healing

2006-11-15T16:32:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the most awesome experience. I went to a meeting of the St. Joseph’s Prayer Ministry here in our Parish and during our group prayer, Sister Mary Matthew who leads the group brought out a relic of the True Cross, which she has inside of a beautiful crucifix.

She spoke of the many healings she has seen when people were prayed over with this relic, specifically those with cancer. As I sat there listening, I knew this was meant for me to hear. I started to feel like something was going to happen. Just then one of the other women in the group looked at me and said, “I’ll bet you would like this to happen for you.” I said, “I certainly would.”

So Sister Matthew handed me the crucifix with the relic inside and I held it to the area of my body where the cancer is. I felt warmth from the crucifix and the tears rolled down my face. Then, the other group leader said to Sister, “This is very powerful, do you feel it.” Sister responded, “Yes, I do.” So they both stood up and came over and prayed for a complete healing and a deep peace for me. Sister also made it very clear that healings take place in the Lord’s perfect timing.

I want to emphasize that none of this was planned. I have been to several of these meetings and this was the first time that I know of, that the relic of the True Cross was shown to the group.

Of course, time will tell exactly what the Lord has in mind. But I’ve got to say this was so unexpected. I feel very privileged to have had this opportunity. God has so many surprise gifts for us. This was truly one of them.

Thank you all for your prayers for me. I would like to stay here for a while longer if I can. Let’s see what the Lord does.

Today I will begin a new icon, and which one does it happen to be...The Crucifixion.

May God’s will be done in all of our lives.

God's Gift of His Saints

2006-11-13T09:46:00.000-08:00

I recently watched the movie “Therese” and I was reminded of an incident that happened about a year and a half ago, which I would like to share with you. My reason for sharing this is to bring to light how real the saints are and to encourage our belief in the afterlife.

In December of 2004 my favorite aunt Lea died after suffering several strokes over four years. I wondered where her soul was. I found a novena to St. Terese, the Little Flower in my Pieta book and decided to pray this prayer for nine days. It is not my usual practice to pray novenas. In fact, I really don’t remember ever praying any except maybe when I was in elementary school. But it seemed like a good thing to do.

The prayer itself is simple and very beautiful. It goes like this:

St. Therese, the Little Flower,
Please pick me a rose
From the heavenly garden
And send it to me
With a message of love
Ask God to grant me the favor
I thee implore
And tell Him I will love Him
Each day more and more

So I asked her to send me a rose when my aunt was in heaven and left it at that.

In February I was invited to become part of a prayer ministry in the parish. This involved going to 20 classes, one a week, and learning how to pray with people. I had been very involved in this type of prayer ministry back in the 1980’s for about 10 years, so it was all very familiar to me.

In June we had our final meeting and one of the members, a man named Michael, brought various holy cards with relics for everyone. As I was looking at them he came up to me with a white card in his hand and said, “Laura, this is for you from St. Therese.” I took it from him and saw that it had a rose on it, blessed by her relic. I knew immediately that she had answered my prayer. I started to cry. He said to me, “I know how you feel.” I shared with him my prayer novena to St. Therese back in December and how she had just told me that my aunt was in heaven.

He also shared with me that he had prayed to her while in Lebanon and the very next day someone came to him and said, “This is for you from St. Therese.” It was a rose blessed by her relic, which he brought back to the United States where he had a very sick daughter. She was blessed with the rose and she recovered.

The saints are very important to us here on earth. They are here to help us and it is to our benefit to ask for their help. They are a sign to us from God that there is indeed an afterlife.

I try to read everyday from “The Prologue of Ochrid” about the lives of at least two or three saints. And after each I say this little prayer to them:

Please pray to God and the most holy Theotokos
And intercede before the throne of Christ
For the salvation of my soul
May I have the honor and privilege
Of making your friendship
In the Kingdom of Heaven

May God continue to bless us with his Saints.

Do We Really Believe?

2006-11-01T18:28:00.000-08:00

I went to a funeral Mass yesterday for the brother of one of the nuns in the Parish who died unexpectedly last week. I was a little apprehensive about going, for obvious reasons, but mostly because I hadn’t been to a funeral Mass since last February when my uncle died unexpectedly.

It seems there have been lots of unexpected deaths recently, or could it be that I’m just perceiving them as such. Certainly they are unexpected to those that are suddenly faced with the loss of their loved one. But I suppose that death shouldn’t be unexpected, but expected. It’s the timing that takes us by surprise.

My father died 25 years ago at the age of 68, quite unexpectedly. He had a massive heart attack that didn’t kill him immediately, but did enough damage that the rest of his body could not function. When I was called to come to the hospital, I somehow knew he would not survive. I perceived it in my spirit and simply watched as the doctors tried to revive him and finally had to let nature take its course. It was his time to go. The Lord had other plans for him.

Over the last 25 years I’ve visited his grave only three times. He is buried in Southern California. On all of those visits I had the same thought. He is not here. Why are you standing here looking at the ground? There was just this feeling of emptiness. He was not there. Funny, but it just now occurred to me that the myrrh bearing women received the same message from the angel sitting at the empty tomb of the Lord! What a message that was and still is!

As I sat at the funeral Mass yesterday, I had the same thought. This man is not here. He has passed into the next life. I don’t know exactly where he is, but he is not here. Logically, this is an obvious statement. But what is the real message here?

Fr. Abbot has said that a funeral service is an opportunity for those who are present to look at the reality of death and to seriously reflect on it. I believe he is right. Look at that casket and realize, that will be me someday. My body will be taken away and placed in the grave. The question to ask ourselves is, “Where will my soul be?”

We know what Jesus Himself has said about death and the afterlife. Just before raising Lazarus from the dead He said to his sister Martha, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in me though he die, yet shall he live.” John 11:25

So what is it that we believe? Do we believe that our soul will never die? And if so, then where will it go after death of the body? If Christ Himself has made it clear to us that believing in Him is necessary to have life after death, then maybe we need to answer these questions. How do we perceive death? Do we believe in personal accountability before God? Do we believe in Christ? Can we answer as Martha did when the Lord asked her “Do you believe this?” Can we say, “Yes Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, he who is coming into the world.” John 11:27

If we can answer the Lord in this way, then we have His promise of eternal life.
And His promises are true.

I will leave you with a final thought taken from a homily by St. Nikolai Velimirovic where he calls us to honest confrontation of our love for God.

“When shall I come and appear before God? Here is the irresistible yearning of true love for God. Shame on all who say that they believe in God, and love God, while the very thought of death – of leaving this world – drives them wild with fear.”

O Lord our God, holy, mighty and living – the Source of holiness, the Source of strength, the Source of life – illumine us and warm us with love for Thee.

Prologue of Ochrid

Is It Real?

2006-10-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

I would like to share with you an experience I had two years ago just after I stopped my first chemotherapy/radiation treatments. I will call it my dark night of the soul.

It was during the days when I would wake up and wonder if this would be my last day on earth. In my mind I would envision my boys carrying my casket to the grave. I cried a lot during that time. I was truly terrified of death.

So just to show how ruthless and vengeful the evil one (whose name I will not mention) can be, I was subjected to one of the cruelest of temptations. Although, at the time I didn’t realize it was a temptation, but I’ll get to that later.

I was allowed to hear the words, “What if this is not real!” Meaning, what if all this faith and religion and spiritual life that you think you’ve found is just a hoax. What if it was all started a long time ago by people who just wanted to explain away the inevitable nothing that comes after death. After all, this is 2000 years after the so-called facts. How do you know if it’s all real?

This was truly being kicked when I was down, at my lowest point in life. I had very little in the way of mental defense against these thoughts. I was in total darkness. Everyday I would wake up with the same thoughts and just couldn’t find my way out.

Somehow, during this time, I managed to make a trip to California to see my family (mother and brothers). I still don’t know how I managed that. I weighed about 84 lbs and couldn’t digest food very well, but I got my things together, got on a plane and made the trip from Seattle to Los Angeles. On the way back I flew to Oakland, CA and took a bus to Santa Rosa (about a 2 hour ride) where Fr. Abbot met me and drove me the final hour and a half to Mt. Tabor.

I had only planned on staying a week. I stayed three weeks. During that time I had the worst emotional roller coaster ride imaginable. Death was in my face constantly.

One day I decided to visit the shrine of Our Lady, it was just a small shrine and very old. Behind it is a tiny little cemetery with about nine graves. I walked through it and just sobbed. All I could imagine was being in that casket underground in dark nothingness. I went back around to the front of the shrine and stood before the icon of Our Lady. All I could say to her was that I was going to die and I had done absolutely nothing with my life, nothing.

Then suddenly, in my heart, I heard her voice. She has the most beautiful voice. She said, come closer. So I approached her altar in the shrine. As I stood there crying, I felt so comforted by her and was reminded of my children. I actually had done something worthwhile with my life. I told her that if it were possible, I wanted to do something more so that when I died I could at least have something to show for my 50 some years. I felt that she heard me and I left the shrine in peace.

One day after my return home, I was reading a book on the 33 Doctors of the Church. I chose to read about St. Therese of Lisieux that day. What I read would set me free from the dark thoughts I had been experiencing for the past few months. I read the following:

He permitted my soul to be invaded by the thickest darkness, and that the thought of Heaven, up until then so sweet to me, be no longer anything but the cause of struggle and torment. (Story of a Soul, p. 211)

The darkness, borrowing the voice of sinners, says mockingly to me: “You are dreaming about a light, about a fatherland embalmed in the sweetest perfumes; you are dreaming about the eternal possession of the Creator of these marvels; you believe that you will one day walk out of this fog which surrounds you! Advance, advance; rejoice in death which will give you not what you hope for but a night still more profound, the night of nothingness.” (Story of a Soul, p. 213)

The more Therese felt the loss of a sense of faith, the more she continued to make acts of faith.

I was not only shown that this was in fact a temptation, but also what to do about it! When we are tempted with unbelief, the more we must continue to believe and not only believe, but to act on those beliefs. Continue to pray, continue to receive the Divine Mysteries, continue to trust in the promises of Christ.

I cannot tell you what this has done for me. Now, whenever I hear those words “it’s not real,” I say well, if heaven is not real then neither are you. So when I continue to get harassed about this, it just confirms my belief that “it is real!” For if the principalities of darkness exist, then heaven must also exist.

I just read a wonderful quote this morning from a 4th century Hieromonk (priest/monk), Abba Isidore, from the book, “Sayings of the Desert Fathers.” It says:

Abba Poemen said concerning Abba Isidore

When the demons who are at war with men tried to make him afraid, suggesting that, after all this, he would still go to hell, he replied, “Even if I am sent there, I shall find you beneath me.”

How appropriate!

Praised be Jesus Christ now and forever!

Sudden Death

2006-10-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

Monday of this week, I heard about a woman from the parish who went to bed and didn’t wake up again. She was 55 and apparently suffered a massive heart attack.

Last February, my uncle came in from working out in his garden and went into the bedroom to take a short nap. He also did not wake up again. He was in his 70’s.

Today on the Internet, I read about the N.Y. Yankee pitcher whose small airplane crashed into the 40th floor of a condominium complex in New York City. He and his instructor were both killed.

These people had no knowledge of the sudden death that was waiting for them. None of us have any real knowledge of when death will take us. Some of us know that the time is short, but these people had no warning. Were they prepared?

My uncle who died last February had been a Deacon in the Roman Catholic Church for over 30 years. I had just visited with him and my aunt in California the previous week. He looked perfectly healthy. I know that he was prepared for death. His life had been one of service to God, his family and the community. In his last homily given on the Sunday before he died, he preached on being prepared for death. I am told that his last words of that homily were “Are you prepared for death? Be prepared! I am prepared.”

Maggie, the woman from our parish who suffered the massive heart attack, was also a woman of service to the Church and the community. I did not personally know her, but those who did, talked about how much she did in the parish. She was the church caterer.

I have less knowledge of the two men who died in the plane crash in New York, but when I read about their deaths, I had a strong urge to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet for them, which I did.

One of the points that I try to stress in my writings is that we don’t know when our time will be. There is a reason the Fathers continually tell us to keep death in front of our face at all times. When we go to bed at night, what guarantee do we have that we will wake up the next morning? When we get up in the morning, what guarantee do we have that we will go to sleep that night. We don’t know, hence the reason to be prepared.

I heard the following prayer somewhere, I don’t remember where, but I try to say this every night when I get into bed, “My bed is the Father, my pillow the Son, my comforter the Holy Spirit,” and then I add, “Most Holy Trinity, Glory be to You.” When I say that prayer, I feel that the Holy Trinity surrounds me and if I die, I am in good company.

Something I am going to start doing, is examining my day right before I go to bed and ask for the Lord’s forgiveness for anything I have done to offend Him or anyone else or for anything I have failed to do.

I also say the following prayer: O God, be merciful to me a sinner, O God, cleanse me of my sins and have mercy on me, O Lord, forgive me, for I have sinned without number. This is a prayer taken from the Divine Liturgy, which is said just before approaching the priest to receive Holy Communion. I find that it comes to me quite often throughout the day.

I don’t think we can ever be too sure of ourselves when it comes to death. The greatest of saints have been concerned about coming before the judgment seat of God. That should be an important lesson for us to contemplate. To the end we must show humility and never think that we’ve earned the right to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only One has earned that for us and to Him we must show our humble respect by acknowledging our human weaknesses and calling on His mercy.

Don’t be caught unprepared. Pray for the desire to be consciously aware of the mortality of this life, so that if death comes unexpectedly, as the Lord has warned might happen, “Like a thief in the night,” we can be ready to present our souls to Him as one who comes before the great King dressed in a beautiful garment. And may we hear His beautiful words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

Unceasing Prayer

2006-09-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been very busy writing icons and am finding it difficult to sit down and write something here on the blog. So I've decided to share my experience of iconography with you.

Writing an icon is and should be a spiritual work. Unlike an artist who seeks to create or interpret a work of art as he sees it, the iconographer seeks to portray the holy image as directed by the Holy Spirit. We do not think in terms of how I wish this to be, but how the image itself wants to be portrayed. This may sound a little strange, but when writing an icon the focus is prayer, unceasing prayer.

We are to work as though the Lord Himself were right there watching. The atmosphere is quiet and a candle is lit. At times some spiritual music is played. I usually play Gregorian Chant, the soundtrack from the Passion of the Christ or music from the Divine Liturgry. These help to keep me in a prayerful state of mind.

There are specific times during the writing of the icon when the Jesus Prayer is said, "Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Often, I find that prayers from the Divine Liturgy are going through my mind. This year during Lent I was writing "The Bridegroom" icon and most of the time my mind was praying Psalm 140 from Vespers and also prayers from the Liturgy of the pre-Sanctified.

This gift of iconography has taught me how to pray unceasingly, how to keep the mind from wandering into any distractions. This is part of the discipline of writing icons.

But you don't have to be an iconographer to practice unceasing prayer. In the book, "The Spiritual Life," St. Theophan the Recluse calls unceasing prayer the unceasing remembrance of God. This is what he has to say:

In this remembrance of God, it is necessary to fortify oneself in every way until it does not leave the mind. God is everywhere and always with us, by us, and in us. However, we are not always with Him, for we do not remember Him and, because we do not remember, we allow ourselves to do many things that we would not allow ourselves to do if we remembered God. Take upon yourself the labor of making this habitual. Just do not forget that remembrance of God is not like remembrance of other things, that it must be combined with the fear of God and reverence of Him.

To make it easier to acquire the habit of remembrance of God, there is a special method, that is, the unceasing repetition of a short prayer of two to three words. Most common is "Lord, have mercy!" "Lord, Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner!" From long practice of this, the words will fasten themselves to the tongue so that they will repeat themselves. This has a very settling effect on the soaring and wandering of the thoughts. Again, do not forget to combine this prayer with reverence.

I invite you to take some time each day and say this prayer. As he says, soon it will become habitual and will keep your mind in remembrance of God.

There was a day, last May, Mother's Day to be exact, when I thought it was my last and in my pain the one thought that came to my mind was "Lord, Jesus Christ, have mercy on me." Truly, at that point, there was nothing else to say. This prayer is a gift. Receive it, learn to pray it and thank God for it. It will come to your aid when nothing else can.

Divine Love

2006-09-18T12:21:00.000-07:00

Recently I watched a movie, a musical called "Rent." Because of it’s controversial content I wasn’t sure whether to watch it or not. For those of you who haven’t seen it, "Rent" is a story about a group of people who have AIDS and are being evicted from the building where they have been living, which is more or less a big multi-story warehouse, for failing to pay rent for the past year and refusing to pay rent at all. The landlord wants the building back to turn it into a business venture and the tenants are rebelling.

You may wonder, what does this have to do with Divine Love. I will get to that in a little bit.

As I watched the lives of these people and the devastation they faced, the thought that occurred to me was, "guard your heart." A strange thought I suppose, but a necessary one, as I was soon to discover.

The main characters consisted of a professor, a journalist, a musician, an exotic dancer hooked on drugs, a lesbian couple and a transvestite. All have AIDS except the journalist and the lesbian couple, one of whom is a lawyer.

Basically, these people are trying to help each other through some very difficult times while experiencing their own struggles. Of course sex is implied throughout the movie and sometimes more than implied.

Ok, now to why I’ve chosen to write about this.

This movie generates a feeling of sympathy to those who are suffering from AIDS and we should feel sympathy. However, here is where guarding the heart comes in. As I watched one of the main characters die, who by the way was the most kind and generous of them all, I couldn’t help but wonder about our need as human beings to be loved and to love another human being. But what kind of love is this movie suggesting?

There is a song that they all sing about how many minutes are in a year and how to spend them. They sing "How about love." In other words spend them loving. They also sing a song about having only now, "right now" in reference to getting emotionally and sexually involved with another person. And this is where the light went on for me.

As someone who has less than a years worth of minutes to live, I believe I can speak about experiencing the knowledge of imminent death in the foreseeable future. This is not the time to be considering sensual pleasures. This love, as it is called is not love at all. Why would one want to satisfy a body that is doomed to death in a short time if not to simply satisfy an insatiable need? When are we going to understand that no matter how sympathetic we might feel to the lack of love in our lives or how lonely we might be, it is not the body that can satisfy that need. Becoming sensually involved with another person should be the last thing on our minds. That is, if one considers that there is more to his life than just a world of the senses.

If your world revolves around your bodily senses, then what I have to say will probably not fit your agenda. But I ask you to consider for just a moment that which we are called to. We are called to believe in more than just "right now." I saw this movie as a call to no hope in anything but the here and now. Yes, they cared about each other, but to what extent? It’s easy to think you love someone who is satisfying your sensual needs. But we are called to something much greater than this. We are called to reach beyond what we call human love to Divine Love.

It has become very clear to me that terminal illness gives us the opportunity to realize how quickly the sensual pleasures of the body dissolve into nothing. If we continue to look for these emotional and tangible feelings even in the face of death, then we are surely to be pitied. The body is dying and will soon be in the grave. So what is left? I invite you to answer that question.

Divine Love takes us to a place where we can meet God. Divine Love is God. So I ask you, in the face of death, why would one choose human love over Divine Love? In the tragedy of our illness we are given the chance to make peace with God. Here is the chance to recognize the things that we have succumbed to for fear of being alone and unloved. Here is the opportunity to prepare for the Kingdom. It is never too late for us while we are still here in this life. He waits to hear our plea for His mercy and kindness. He waits to hear our cry for help. He waits to hear our sincere apology for the ways in which we have offended Him. He waits, so that He can come and show us His Divine Love.

"Guard your heart." Do not be taken in by "feelings of sympathy or self-pity." Divine Love is not about feelings. It’s about humility, which consists in facing our weaknesses and weeping over them before God, who will then and only then, with kindness and true compassion, come and fill us with His Divine Love that we so desire.

With a heart filled with sorrow, let us take this opportunity to be real with ourselves and with God, trusting in His mercy. And may we be filled with the willingness to reach beyond the "here and now" and not settle for the things of this world, but strive in our weakness for the things that are Eternal.

Icons

2006-09-15T16:37:00.000-07:00

Recently I was asked about my iconography. So there is now a site where some of my work can be seen. If you would like to take a look go to http://lauras-icons.blogspot.com/

Heartfelt Prayer

2006-09-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

The following is from Thomas Merton’s book, "New Seeds of Contemplation." It’s a little lengthy, but I found it very beautiful and well worth sharing.

"Justify my soul, O God, but also from Your fountains fill my will with fire. Shine in my mind, although perhaps this means, "be darkness to my experience," but occupy my heart with Your tremendous Life. Let my eyes see nothing in the world but Your glory, and let my hands touch nothing that is not for Your service. Let my tongue taste no bread that does not strengthen me to praise Your great mercy. I will hear Your voice and I will hear all harmonies You have created, singing Your hymns. Sheep’s wool and cotton from the field shall warm me enough that I may live in Your service; I will give the rest to Your poor. Let me use all things for one sole reason: to find my joy in giving You glory.

Therefore keep me, above all things, from sin. Keep me from the death of deadly sin which puts hell in my soul. Keep me from the murder of lust that blinds and poisons my heart. Keep me from the sins that eat a man’s flesh with irresistible fire until he is devoured. Keep me from loving money in which is hatred, from avarice and ambition that suffocate my life. Keep me from the dead works of vanity and the thankless labor in which artists destroy themselves for pride and money and reputation, and saints are smothered under the avalanche of their own importunate zeal. Stanch in me the rank wound of covetousness and the hungers that exhaust my nature with their bleeding. Stamp out the serpent envy that stings love with poison and kills all joy.

Untie my hands and deliver my heart from sloth. Set me free from the laziness that goes about disguised as activity when activity is not required of me, and from the cowardice that does what is not demanded, in order to escape sacrifice.

But give me the strength that waits upon You in silence and peace. Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love. Occupy my whole life with the one thought and the one desire of love, that I may love not for the sake of merit, not for the sake of perfection, not for the sake of virtue, not for the sake of sanctity, but for You alone.

For there is only one thing that can satisfy love and reward it, and that is You alone."

Today I began praying this prayer. I think it covers just about everything we could possibly ask for. I invite you to join me and may the Lord be pleased and grant us the love that we desire in this heartfelt prayer.

Time and Eternity

2006-09-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

As I was coming home from the Divine Liturgy on Sunday, my son John and I were discussing time and eternity. During our discussion he made the point that because there is no time in eternity that at the moment of death our time for making any changes runs out.

Now you may think, well that's obvious, but actually this really struck something within me. Sometimes I'll hear a word and suddenly the light inside will go on. I suddenly realized the importance of making good and right choices in this life at all times. especially the choice to believe in God.

During my first trip after 20 years to Mt. Tabor, I had an experience similar to this, but more intense. I remember standing in the church during one of the services and suddenly realized that although I was in a state of terrible sins, the one that was the worst, was that I had stopped believing in God. It just hit me so intensely that I started to cry. It was true and I could not deny it. The feeling was one of sincere remorse and a little bit of panic. It was then that I knew that I was in serious need of reconciliation with God.

I think about my life before that time, and what might have happened if I would have died in my sins and faced this realization in eternity. There would have been no time left to change my mind. I would have stood before God and known that I had been wrong but with no time left to change my life. To me, this is a terrifying thought and it should be. We are not here to do whatever pleases our senses. Our senses will be gone with our body at death, then what will we have left? Only the soul and how will that look before the judgment seat of Christ? That will depend on the choices we've made in the here and now.

I often hear that many people want to be "spiritual" but not "religious." So to these people I say the following. To be "religious" means "accountability." But to be "spiritual" or "one with the universe" or whatever the trend happens to be, does not require accountability. And without accountability human nature runs wild. There are some, but very few, who can do what is right without having to be accountable to someone. Accountablity is necessary in order to control our human nature. Without it, we are doomed to a disasterous life here and in eternity.

Be not deceived. There is a judgment. And we will all face it. But if we choose to believe in Christ who has shown us the way to God, whom He calls Father, we can be assured that we will not be alone and will encounter a merciful God who will welcome us into his Kingdom.

A Life of Mercy

2006-08-31T13:38:00.000-07:00

Well I'm finally back home after nearly two months. It was well worth the trip. Nothing like peace and solitude to get life in perspective.

Today I went up to Washington Park which is a beautiful place on the west end of Fidalgo Island, where I live. I sat at the top of the summit and watched the tourists stop their cars and admire the fantastic view. This is truly a spectacular place and one group even applauded when they parked their car and gazed at the San Juan Islands.

So I had this thought. These people come here for vacations and I go to a monastery! An interesting concept. Yet I too enjoy this spectacular scenery, but it can only go so far. All of these visitors will soon retreat back to their homes and remember what a wonderful time they had on vacation. I, on the other hand, will soon retreat to my spiritual home which hopefully will be far beyond anything I could ever experience here.

What I've discovered is that knowing God gives us the advantage of experiencing a little bit of heaven here on earth. He gives us all the beauty of nature as well as the treasure of His presence. In the solitude of Mt. Tabor, I found comfort and joy. I met wonderful people and felt the love and warmth of those who continually pray for me. I truly believe that God is keeping me alive through their heartfelt prayers.

He has also blessed me with additional iconography work for which I am very grateful. As long as I am able, I will do whatever He wants. After all, there is really no other reason to be here except to do His Will. I am on his bonus time, not my own. And actually, we can all be on His bonus time if we choose. It's really a good idea if we want to have a peaceful death.

For those who are still on the fence and not sure about whether to let God take your life and make it what it needs to be, the following prayer by St. Ephraim the Syrian might provide inspiration to humbly come before the Lord and ask for his infinite mercy.

Before the wheel of time stops in my life, have mercy on me;
Before the wind of death blows and diseases, the heralds of death,
appear in my body, have mercy on me;
Before the majestic sun in the heights becomes darkened for me,
have mercy on me; and may Your light shine for me from on high,
and disperse the dreadful darkness of my mind;
Before the earth returns to earth and decays, and before the
destruction of all the features of its beauty, have mercy;
Before my sins deceive me at the Judgment, and shame me before
the Judge, have mercy, O Lord full of gentleness;
Before the hosts come forth, preceding the Son of the King,
to assemble our miserable race before the throne of the Judge,
have mercy;
Before the voice of the trumpet sounds before Your Coming, spare
Your servants and have mercy, O our Lord Jesus;
Before You lock Your door before me, O Son of God, and before I
become food for the unquenchable fires of Gehenna,
have mercy on me.

Repent before death, and, because you do not know the hour of death, repent today, even now, and cease to repeat your sin. Prologue of Ochrid

May the Lord have mercy on us all as we bow before Him with repentant, contrite hearts.

Complete Trust

2006-08-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

Today is the Feast of the Dormition of Our Lady, or in the Latin Rite, the Feast of the Assumption. I would like to take this time to say a little bit about Our Lady.

What can I say that could possibly describe her complete trust in God? I do not have the words, but St. Nickolai Velimirovic puts it quite beautifully:

“Out of extreme humility, she commended herself to God, and did not trust in her own deeds.”

This year the Dormition of Our Lady has a special meaning for me. I have reflected on her death as something very beautiful. Her greatest desire was to be with her Son. How wonderful it must have been to have Him meet her soul at its departure from this life and to take her, body and soul, into his kingdom for eternity.

Her life was one of complete trust in the Will of God and her reward was eternal life in the Kingdom of Heaven. She is truly the model of perfection that is pleasing to God.

Somehow, thinking about her death is comforting to me and takes away the fear of letting go. I pray that at the hour of my death she will be there to comfort my soul and to take me to the kingdom of her Son.

“Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.”

On Letting Go

2006-08-07T08:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took a walk up the mountain to a beautiful place overlooking the valley. As I sat there the words from Psalm 90 came to me, “Under his wings you will find refuge.” As I looked up there was a large bird flying overhead. I realized that I am far from ready to make the journey into the other life. I find that I’m still very attached to things of this life that make letting go seem impossible. I fear that if I die in this state I will wander endlessly through Purgatory trying to find a way to let go. When your heart is not willing to detach, for whatever reason, it makes death seem very threatening to the soul. I pray the words of the Great Doxology:

Lord, have mercy on me, heal my soul, For I have sinned against You!
I run to you Lord, teach me to please You,
For You are my God, the source of life, And in Your light, we see light!

Holy is God, holy and mighty, holy and immortal!
O God, have mercy on us!

At times like this, I have no other recourse but to cry out to God. There is nowhere else to go. Perhaps this is where He wants me and this is the only way to get me to this place of complete dependence on Him.

Blessed are You Lord: teach me your Law!
Blessed are You, Master: make me understand your commandments!
Blessed are You, Holy One: fill my mind with the wisdom of your decrees!

I’m writing this on the Feast of the Transfiguration. I pray that He will show Himself to me in a way that will transform my soul so that I might have the faith to let go of this life and follow Him into the next.

O God, make haste to my rescue,
Lord, come to my aid!
(Psalm 69)

The Wait

2006-08-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

One of the most interesting things about knowing that your time here is short is “the wait.” Although I’ve been told I have approximately a year, that was now four months ago, so we’re down to about eight months now if all goes as the doctors expect it will, sometimes it’s still hard for me to comprehend. I feel as though I’m in this place of waiting, almost like waiting to go on a trip somewhere. But I’m not sure of the exact time or place of departure. That may sound a little odd because I’m speaking about death, but really it’s kind of like going on a trip. I hope it’s more like a permanent vacation!

I find myself talking with people, especially here at the monastery, as though I’ll be leaving soon. I wonder sometimes what they’re thinking when I talk this way.

Most people don’t really want to discuss the subject of death. But I’ve been fortunate in that most everyone I talk to seems to be encouraged by the conversation. When you have the same faith and the same hope in the promises of Christ, it’s much easier to communicate about these things.

I was just talking with a woman who is on a retreat here about how I like to know a little in advance about things so that I can make plans and have time to prepare. Then it suddenly occurred to me that the Lord had given me just that! He let me know a little ahead of time about my departure from this life. He set things up so that I could handle them in a way that I’m most comfortable. He didn’t spring this on me at the last minute; He gave me time to prepare.

And I know it’s not always like that. Just last week I was sitting in a restaurant having lunch when I overheard a conversation at the table next to me. It seems a friend of the woman at the table had just gone into the hospital and was told that she had cancer and was going to die. When she asked the doctor how long it would be, he said, “two weeks”!

What a shock that must have been, and yet this happens all the time. I can’t imagine having only two weeks to prepare for death. It takes at least that long just to get over the shock. I pray that this person is in a good place spiritually and will meet death without fear.

Again, I can’t stress enough the importance of preparation, especially in the emotional area. This is a great event in our lives and all of us will experience it. I am certainly not without my moments of sadness. When I think of leaving those I love I can’t help but get emotional. That is the human condition. But the Lord’s promise to those that believe in Him is life in the heavenly kingdom. I hope to share this life with those that I will leave behind.

My wish, as was the wish of St. Therese the Little Flower, is to live my eternity helping those here on earth to find the path that leads to the Kingdom of God, especially those that I love so dearly. And as I wait here for my hour to come I hope I can offer some words of comfort and assurance to those who have chosen to follow the One, Jesus Christ who is The Way, The Truth, and the Life.

Blessed Be Your Name

2006-07-25T08:37:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, after undergoing some intense cancer fighting treatment, I spent most of the time either lying in my bed or lying downstairs on the couch watching my son play mindless video games. Since I had very little mental capacity for comprehending what was going on around me, these games served as good distractions from my then horrible condition.

Since I couldn’t sleep well at night, we would stay up watching television until midnight or so watching endless programs on the Food Channel. I should explain that at that time I was unable to eat. It was everything I could do to drink water. Chemotherapy kills cancer cells as well as many other cells, so consequently I had no sense of taste, since the cells in my mouth were dead. Any food I would try to eat tasted like dirt. Imagine putting something in your mouth and feeling only the texture of it. That’s what it was like. So I would watch food programs and pray that I would someday be able to taste food again.

Then one day a strange thing happened to me. I had been off treatment for about a month and I started to taste a little again. It took about another month or so, but my taste buds returned and now they were enhanced so that everything I ate tasted so much better than I could ever remember.

So why am I talking about this? Well, I guess this is what my life with God is all about. My soul, like the cells in my mouth, was dead. I had killed it by consuming the deadly poison of my own self-destructive ways. But once I realized that I didn’t have to keep taking that poison and stopped, it wasn’t too long before I started to experience a new and enhanced life. Everything was and is so much better now. God has made everything new.So much so that even in the face of death, I can rejoice in his love.

There’s a song by Matt Redman called “Blessed Be Your Name” taken from Job 1:21. May God grant me the grace to sing these words when my darkness closes in.

Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name when the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s “all as it should be”
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord; Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord; Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Abandon All

2006-07-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

As I sit here at Mt. Tabor Monastery in Northern California contemplating the works of the Lord in my life, it is clear that He is all good and all knowing. I have long waited for things to develop to the point where I could just let it all go and let Him take care of it.

In the past, there were the times when I just let Him take me where He wanted. But there were also the years when I went astray, choosing my own way instead of his. This did not work. I found myself in places where I experienced true hell. I also found that by choosing to take care of things myself I would somehow hurt others in the process.

I am reminded of how God will make us aware of all that He wants for us as well as how to accomplish it. It could be as simple as letting Him take my day and allowing myself to just trust in what He will do with it. If there are simple decisions to make, then I can either make them myself or take a chance and let Him make them for me. This might sound a little impractical, but if we consciously choose to try this method we will see and experience the results as not coming from ourselves, but from God.

Getting to the point where we can actually trust enough to do this takes time and effort. Nothing is easy when it comes to trusting in something we cannot see. However, if we can learn to do this then we can learn just how real God is. How will we ever be able to truly believe if we haven’t learned how to let Him reveal Himself? There is no other way but to abandon ourselves to Him, to learn to listen to his voice.

And just how do we do this? I can only tell you what I have learned in my own life. It is helpful to have a general rule to follow. For example, my morning prayers include praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, some spiritual readings, the Divine Office of Matins and the Divine Liturgy. Waking up early enough to do this is much easier now. It wasn’t always like this though. It’s taken a while to get here. Making this daily commitment will strengthen your spiritual life.

In visiting the monastery I was shown how to pray in a specific manner. This is what I follow now. Learning how to pray was the first step for me. I have also come to clearly understand the importance of silence. I cannot stress this enough. For it is through silence that we come to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit. We must learn how to center ourselves and quiet our minds. I have learned to do this by praying the Jesus Prayer.

I realize that perhaps most people have not had the opportunity to visit a monastery and experience this type of prayer. However, I would like to encourage you to do so if you can. A monastery is a place where you can experience God in a way that can change your whole life. He will reveal Himself in a new way. You will learn the meaning of true Christianity as Christ wanted us to experience it. He says come and spend some time with me, away from the distractions of the world and I will show you how to listen to my words and how to trust your life to Me.

In my opinion this is the safest way of learning how to abandon yourself to God. For me it was the key to finding the Kingdom of Heaven and the means of learning how to get there. I don’t know if we can really find this anywhere else. What I learn here, I take back home with me. I’ve had to choose to put this life into practice, but it has been a priceless gift.

So for those of you who want more, for those of you who believe in a life other than what you experience in day to day living, I encourage you to take a step toward eternity and visit a monastery. It is there that you will find Christ as the disciples found Him. It is there that He will bring you to Himself in a way you never imagined. You will learn how to live in the world without being of it, as a true disciple of Christ.

I believe the light of Christ shines brightly within us when we find the way to abandon all.

Lord, make me know your ways.
Lord, teach me your paths.
Make me walk in your truth, and teach me:
For you are God my Savior.

Psalm 24/25

Time for a Rest

2006-07-05T07:42:00.000-07:00

I will be taking a trip to northern California for a couple of weeks to my favorite place, Mt. Tabor Monastery. I will start up more blog posts when I return. Please pray for me, I will also pray for all of you.

Eternal Life

2006-06-28T09:12:00.000-07:00

Whenever I would think about eternal life, I would think in terms of life after death. But eternal life is not only life after death it is here and now.

A friend and I were having a conversation sometime ago and we were discussing how we live. He said to me that I lived a life of self-denial because I was expecting to have eternal life after I died. I said to him, no, I can have it right now. But the only way to have this eternal life is by following those people who claimed to have found it, whose lives were living proof that they had.

When someone is living a virtuous life it's hard not to notice. They are a light shining in a world full of darkness. They have found eternal life.

And what is a virtuous life? For those of us living in the world, Saint John Climacus has this to say:

"Do all the good you can; do not speak evil of anyone; do not steal from anyone; do not lie to anyone; do not hate anyone; do not be absent from the divine services; be compassionate to the needy; do not offend anyone; do not wreck another person's domestic happiness, and be content with what your own spouse can give you. If you behave in this way, you will not be far from the Kingdom of Heaven."

Unless we are saints, which I for one am not, all of these things he describes for us are going to require some form of self-denial. The human will wants to please itself and follows the emotion of the moment, whether positive or negative, if it is not trained to do otherwise. Negative emotions never lead to a good place and positive emotions aren't necessarily good either if they lead to excessive self-gratification. So denying the will in these areas is essential. The saints became saints because they practiced self-denial. They knew the value of remaining faithful to God's will and by doing this experienced the incredible love of God. They discovered eternal life and so can we.

Christ says, "Enter through the narrow gate." This is not an easy choice, but it's the only choice in my opinion to true happiness and peace. I have chosen a certain way of life and I am now experiencing the fruits of that choice. In my current condition I should be devastated, but instead I can live peacefully. I am content with life and see things in a whole new light. The passions that once controlled my life are gone and have been replaced by a peace that the world cannot give.

A bit of self-denial is a small price to pay for the divine blessings that flow from a generous and compassionate God. It is my way of saying I believe in Christ and in the One who sent Him.

"For this is the will of my Father, that every one who sees the Son and believes in him should have eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day." John 6:40

The Will of God

2006-06-22T09:16:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of questions these days about what exactly the Will of God is. You will get different answers from different people, especially people from different churches. Some will say that the Will of God is for all to be saved. I agree. Others will say that the Will of God is for us to live a good life. I agree, but what exactly does that mean?

Again, different people have different opinions. Some will say God wants all of us to live a life of prosperity having all that we need all of the time. I agree, but not in a materialistic way. I agree that God wants us to prosper spiritually, but spiritual prosperity is a product of self-denial and if we do this, we will have all that we need all of the time.

Having all the material things in life is not necessarily the Will of God. Jesus makes it quite clear how dangerous this is when He says, "You cannot serve God and money." It is dangerous in the sense that as human beings we become easily attached to things, creating a detachment from God. When we come to the hour of death, what will we be able to take with us? The more we are attached to in this life, the harder it will be to let go and trust our souls to God.

I would like to share something about a life that teaches one to slowly detach from the things in this life which we have been taught are so important. A life that brings true inner peace, not just a desire for external peace. This takes inner work on the soul, which will be all that we have at the end of this external life.

Think about all the external comforts that your body would like to have, then realize that you are not going to have a body after you die. How does that make you feel? If this makes you uncomfortable, and it should, then it would be wise to start thinking about living differently.

One of the early Church Fathers says that as the eye is to the body, so is the mind to the soul.

Whatever we put into our minds will stay with our souls. So we need to become very aware of what we are feeding our souls. For when the body dies, and it will, the soul will take with it all that we have fed it. And if through our eyes we feed our minds what is only gratifying to the body, then we will be left with our cravings but nothing to satisfy them with, for the body will be gone.

Let me give you some examples of what I perceive Hell to be. In light of what I've just described, let's say you're a gambler. I worked in the casino business for several years, so I know this first hand. I personally am not a gambler, but in watching people I could see how their entire being was focused on nothing but the next bet. The hard core gambler is not really there to win, they are there to fill the craving, to get the fix. So now the hour of death comes, the body is dead and the soul continues to God, but God can't offer the dice table or the blackjack game. So what do you think is going to happen now? We have now a soul with cravings and no place to satisfy them. Ask any gambler if this wouldn't be Hell! There is no big casino in the sky!

If God is saying don't get attached to things, then we need to start listening. Attachment to anything is the first step toward addiction.

Another example, emotional attachment. I am personally very familiar with this one. I was always of the opinion that if two people just loved each other enough life would be paradise. I think most women think this way. So we attach ourselves to a man, marry him and discover that things are not going as we had hoped. So we become emotionally unhappy and truly believe if this person would just love me, I would be happy again.

Well, here's the problem with that way of thinking. We become attached to an idea which we have now projected onto another person, so now we've become attached to that person. But that person is just as imperfect as we are so the craving for emotional fulfillment cannot be met. The truth is, no person is capable of filling this role. It's not possible because we're not perfect. When I finally came to understand this, I was able to find peace within myself.

I was able to live alone without craving another person to be there to fulfill my emotional needs because my emotional needs were no longer addictions. Through a different way of life I was able to find the way of detachment. If I hadn't made the decision to take this path, I would still be a slave to that passion and would now be terrified at the thought of death. I would be grasping for that emotional comfort and be trapped in its web, unable to hear the voice of God trying to penetrate through the torment of my emotional thoughts that would be filling my mind. And after death, this would be emotional Hell.

I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that our lives need to take a turn away from things that would create attachment. The Will of God is for all to live lives free from attachment to the things of this world. Why? Because even the world itself will pass away someday, but more importantly because we will pass from it first. Through Christ He has shown us the way to do this.

God is interested in our personal welfare in that He provides what we need. But what He is most interested in is our soul, because that is what will come back to Him.

The Father's Day

2006-06-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

In my room I have a beautiful photo of a sunset which was taken here in Washington and given to me as a Christmas present. I've always liked having this hung on a wall near my bed so that it's the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. It reminds me of God the Father.

So on this Father's Day, I would like to take a moment to reflect on the Heavenly Father. What do we know of Him? What Christ says is that He and the Father are one, if we see Him, we see the Father. So in reading the life of Christ in the Scriptures, we can get a glimpse of the Father.

He also says that it is the Father's pleasure to give us the Heavenly Kingdom. May we all be prepared to receive it when He calls us to Himself.

The following Psalm tells of the great love the Heavenly Father has for us and the response that He rightly deserves from all of his creation, especially from us who through Christ have become worthy to call him Father.

My soul give thanks to the Lord,
all my being, bless his holy name.
My soul give thanks to the Lord
and never forget all his blessings.

It is He who forgives all your guilt,
who heals every one of your ills,
who redeems your life from the grave,
who crowns you with love and compassion,
who fills your life with good things,
renewing your youth like an eagle's.

The Lord does deeds of justice,
gives judgment for all who are oppressed.

The Lord is compassion and love,
slow to anger and rich in mercy.
He does not treat us according to our sins
nor repay us according to our faults.

For as the heavens are high above the earth
so strong is his love for those who fear him.
As far as east is from the west
so far does He remove our sins.

As a father has compassion on his sons,
the Lord has pity on those who fear him;
for He knows of what we are made,
He remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass;
he flowers like the flower of the field;
the wind blows and he is gone
and his place never sees him again.

But the love of the Lord is everlasting
upon those who hold him in fear;
his justice reaches out to children's children
when they keep his covenant in truth,
when they keep his will in their mind.

The Lord has set his sway in heaven
and his kingdom is ruling over all.
Give thanks to the Lord, all his angels,
mighty in power, fulfilling his word,
who heed the voice of his word.

Give thanks to the Lord, all his hosts,
his servants who do his will.
Give thanks the Lord, all his works,
in every place where he rules.
My soul give thanks to the Lord!

Psalm 102/103

Thank you Heavenly Father, may your Name be glorified forever!

Leave No Stone Unturned

2006-06-14T12:23:00.000-07:00

The early Church Fathers tell us to search ourselves interiorly in order to become aware of our faults and failings. This we do for a number of reasons. One especially is to acknowledge our unworthiness before God. Quite a difference from what modern day psychology would teach.

In these days of self-appreciation, self-help and the I am a good person mentality, we have lost our sense of unworthiness. We've lost what is called a conscience. I was quite content to put my conscience on hold for several years. In this way, I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted and didn't need to feel any guilt. I could rationalize away pretty much everything I did. But somewhere in the back of my mind there was this uncomfortable feeling. I was never totally guiltless.

What I didn't realize was that this conscience that I had stuffed under years of self-indulgence was trying to tell me something. It was trying to warn me of the approaching disasters I would soon be encountering because of my careless behavior.

I would like you to consider, just for a moment, what your conscience is saying to you. You may think, as I did, that it really doesn't matter. That my guilt is related to my childhood, past experiences or associations created by unwanted circumstances. However, I'm afraid I was terribly wrong. Although my life experiences do make up who I am as a human being, they should not dictate who I am. If I continue to blame others for my problems, I will never become the person I am created to be. If I continue to look back on my childhood and believe that every bad thing that happened to me has now resulted in my unhappiness, then I am doomed.

This is not at all what we are here for. I guess I never really believed that life could be such a waste. I chose to waste my life. I chose to self-indulge. I chose to think that I was in control and that I could be self-sufficient. Have you noticed how many times I've used the word self? But isn't it true. It's all about the self, the human self that can never be satisfied. Self-appreciation, self-help, self-indulgence, self-gratification, self, self, self! Me, me, me! And this is the result of burying the conscience. It was only when I dug up my conscience and began to examine my life that I was able to see what had gone wrong.

It may be a hard thing to accept, but the truth is that all the self-help books in the world aren't going to change your life. It's an endless circle that goes nowhere because there's nowhere to go. If you want to think you're a good person, then start digging up your conscience that you've put away because you didn't like being told what to do. Think about it. The only reason we wouldn't like advice is because it doesn't fit into our selfish agendas. The conscience doesn't care about our agendas, it simply tells us what we need to do to become the person we were created to be.

In this process we must be sure to leave no stone unturned. Everything we've ever done is going to be before us either here in this life or at death. Now you may not want to believe that but I'm here to tell you that some things are true whether we believe them or not. Personally, I'd like to know now while I still have an opportunity to say I'm sorry to those that I've offended and most importantly to the One that patiently waited for me to return after watching me turn away. I am truly unworthy to stand in His presence, but in sincerely acknowledging my unworthiness, He makes me worthy because He is love in it's truest form. He is Divine Love and He makes all things new.

To Him be glory both now and forever and unto ages of ages. Amen

Integrity

2006-06-10T12:15:00.000-07:00

This week was a very special one. My youngest son Mark graduated from High School and there were various programs throughout the week to attend. One of these was a choir concert in which the Jazz and Concert choirs performed. Mark was in both.

At the end of the program some awards were given out to students who had been selected by their peers for outstanding performance, most improved and things like that. The final award was the "Departmental Award for Music" given by the instructor to a student of her choice. Her introduction was beautiful as she described this student as someone she could always depend on and trust. Her greatest compliment however, was when she described this student as a person of integrity and she would miss him very much. She then named my son, Mark Richcreek as the recipient of this award.

I cannot tell you how proud I was as I watched him receive this award. To hear my son called a person of integrity is by far the highest compliment I could ever want for him. His name is now engraved in a high school plaque which remains in the glass case for all future students to see.

This brought to mind something that maybe we should consider. God is very much interested in how we live this life of ours. When we come to the completion of this life, our graduation in a sense, will He see us as people of integrity? Will our names be engraved in His Book of Life for all eternity?

I believe that there is nothing more important than to be a person of integrity. This is what Christ has taught us. To love one another as He has loved us. The Master who shows us how to live in the fullness of integrity is calling us to follow in his footsteps. How fortunate we are if we listen and follow for this is the road to the Kingdom of God.

A person of integrity is a righteous person, one who is right with God. The following describes the desires of the righteous person and God's response. It is taken from "The Prologue from Ochrid" by Bishop Nikolai Velimirovic.

The righteous desires a pure conscience, right thought, peace, compassion, love, truth, righteousness and meekness. And God grants these to him while he is still here on earth. The righteous desires the Kingdom of God, Paradise, the company of the angels and saints, the vision of the face of God in immortal life, and God grants all these to him when he calls him to Himself.

Oh, how just God is towards the wicked, and how gracious He is towards the righteous! That which the wicked fears shall come upon him, and that which the righteous fears will God keep far from him. What does the righteous fear? Only sin. And God keeps sin far from the righteous and sets his feet on the way of virtue; and God guards the righteous from evil spirits, the sowers of sin, and, by His grace, sows a harvest of virtue in his heart.

O all-seeing Lord, keep us from the ways of the wicked, from the gain of the wicked and from the fear of the wicked! Help our faltering hearts to be strengthened in that which is pleasing to you, that which will in the end conquer and reign when all other things are given over to corruption and forgetfullness. To you be glory and praise forever. Amen.

Let us prepare for the Kingdom by becoming people of integrity.

Stay on the Path

2006-06-07T17:41:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest things I've ever done was make the decision not to go back to my old way of life. I struggled long and hard to combat the ways that I had followed for so long. The world had it's grip and was not going to let go so easily.

We can come up with all kinds of reasons and excuses for why it's ok to continue living in the ways of the world. But Christ says, "No one who puts their hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the Kingdom." Once we start on this path we cannot turn back. There is no compromising. It's all or nothing.

I can tell you from personal experience that all the beauty of the body can be gone in a matter of weeks. I used to spend a lot of time making sure everything about me was close to perfection. I worked out at the health club, ate healthy, wore nice clothes and fine jewelry and spent at least $100.00 a month just on my hair and nails. I did all the things that the world says are necessary for living up to the image of a beautiful person. Yet within a month after starting chemotherapy treatments I was down to 79 lbs and looked like I should be on a poster for feed the hungry. When my beautiful hair started to fall out, I just went to a hair salon and asked them to cut it all off. I cried as I watched it fall to the floor.

If this isn't a dose of reality, I don't know what is. Vanity, vanity, all is vanity.
It will all go! Don't think for a second that we can hold on to any of it. The reality is, we are not in control of our physical lives. I had never been sick in my life. There is absolutely no reason for me to have a terminal illness at this age. Yet, it is my destiny, so to speak. The Lord handed me a chalice that said cancer and asked me to drink of it.

I am reminded of Christ's words before his own Passion, "Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? Father, save me from this hour? No, for this purpose I have come to this hour. Father, glorify thy name."

We all have our cups waiting for us. We can drink them willingly or we can fight to hold on to our worldly lives. But the Lord also has something to say about that. He says, "He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." We cannot keep this temporal life. It's going to end someday. How often do we really think about this truth? How many times do we need to hear this before we finally start to believe it? If we want to keep our lives, we must chose to stay on the path. The road is narrow that leads to eternal life, but if we chose this road we won't need to be concerned with losing the superficial life that we've created for ourselves.

The Lord is kind and merciful and He will not leave us to drink our cup of suffering alone. The entrance to the Kingdom is through death and He has encountered and trampled death. He has prepared the way and shown us the path of life. Let's stay on the path that leads to the Kingdom.

Getting Right with God

2006-06-01T16:32:00.000-07:00

I was thinking the other day about how I found the path that I'm on today and what made me turn from a life of self-gratification to one of self denial.

It was pretty simple really. One day I suddenly found that just about everything that I thought was important for my life and my future was gone. I had no job, no marriage, no future prospects for either and worst of all, no faith. What I did have were my two teenage sons, both of whom just a few months before had undergone tremendous conversion experiences, one in the Catholic Church and the other in the Foursquare Church. Both were now completely dedicated to God.

It became obvious to me that they had learned how to pray for conversions for others, especially those in their family and I was next on the list. This however, was not the first time I had met the Lord in a profound way. But this time would surely be the last.

I will never forget the night I fell on my knees and bowed down before Him and acknowledged my horribly selfish behavior over the years and how I had offended Him over and over again. It was then that I knew this would be my last opportunity to get right with God. If I didn't get my life on the right path now, I never would. So I humbly begged forgiveness and asked one thing of God, not that I deserved anything, but I asked Him not to leave me alone. And because He is the very source of loving kindness and compassion, He took pity on me and granted my request. He took me away to a place where I would learn, in time, what I needed to do to get right with God.

I learned that the acquisition of grace (God's favor) is obtained through repentance and the keeping of God's commandments. This is the first step and a very difficult one. But for those whose commitment to the Lord is sincere, this will lead to total freedom. These ten commandments of God, which I used to view as restrictive rules, are the very things that lead to our freedom.

When I was breaking every commandment, I was in total bondage to my selfish passions and consequently paid a huge price emotionally and psychologically for this mistake. But as Fr. Abbot Joseph once said to me, the Lord prefers a passionate person to an indifferent one. He can work with a passionate person by transforming the vices into virtues if we allow Him to take us through the process of purification. He can do little with a person who is indifferent, who doesn't care.

So let this be an encouragement to those who seem to have endless battles with the passions. The Lord will transform them if we let Him, if we are willing to fight for the purification of our soul. He will clothe us in the virtuous garments we will need to enter the Kingdom. For as Christ says, we must be properly dressed to enter the banquet of the great King. These virtues are the only things we can take with us at death. The soul must be prepared and ready.

May God grant us the desire and the wisdom to fall before Him in sincere sorrow, with tears of repentance and a contrite heart, acknowledging our offenses so that with the Psalmist we can say:

Have mercy on me, God, in your kindness
In your compassion blot out my offense.
O wash me more and more from my guilt
and cleanse me from my sin.

My offenses truly I know them;
my sin is always before me.
Against you, you alone have I sinned;
what is evil in your sight I have done.

That you may be justified when you give sentence
and be without reproach when you judge.
O see, in guilt I was born,
a sinner was I conceived.

Indeed you love truth in the heart;
then in the secret of my heart teach me wisdom.
O purify me, then I shall be clean;
O wash me, I shall be whiter than snow.

Make me hear rejoicing and gladness,
that the bones you have crushed may thrill.
From my sins turn away your face
and blot out all my guilt.

A pure heart create for me O God,
put a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from your presence,
nor deprive me of your Holy Spirit.

Give me again the joy of your salvation;
With a spirit of fervour sustain me,
that I may teach transgressors your ways
and sinners may return to you.

O rescue me God, my helper,
and my tongue shall ring out your goodness.
O Lord, open my lips
and my mouth shall declare your praise.

For in sacrifice you take no delight,
burnt offering from me you would refuse,
my sacrifice, a contrite spirit.
A humbled, contrite heart you will not spurn.

Psalm 50/51

Making the Choice

2006-05-29T11:36:00.000-07:00

About a week ago I was faced with making a very important choice. I guess you could say it was a choice which would determine the length of my life.

After putting my mind and body through about a month of rapid physical decline, I needed to decide if I truly wanted to spend the rest of this short time I have left in this horrible condition. I am speaking mainly of the side effects of chemotherapy as well as the additional problems created by my collapsed lung episode.

I woke up last Friday morning knowing it was time to decide just how I wanted to die. Was I going to take this into my own hands and continue therapy or was I going to let God select the perfect day for my departure and allow myself to experience "quality life."

What really made the choice clear was the fact that under these conditions I could not have a spiritual life and that was simply unacceptable. How could I give up everything that I had focused my life on for the past three years? Prayer and contemplation would cease to exist for me because this treatment not only kills cancer cells, but brain cells, causing the mind to become incapable of thinking or focusing. How could I allow my body to deteriorate to the point of not being able to get out of bed, which would mean no more daily Liturgy, no more daily receiving of the Sacred Mysteries. And for what? To possibly live a few months longer. If this is the type of life I would be living, then the answer is obvious. NO MORE TREATMENT!

I refuse to give up the only things that will prepare me for the Kingdom. This body is going to die and go the way of all flesh, but my soul is going to live and it must be nourished until my last breath.

Although this was an obvious choice, it was still a little difficult to make. In our humanity it is still not easy to accept death. But this is what makes our living life only to prepare for the Kingdom so vitally important. Nurturing the spiritual life of the soul is the only thing that matters especially when death is just around the corner. There is nothing else to contemplate. Denial is not an option. This is reality. Let us face it with faith and hope in the One who says, trust Me. I will never leave you. "In my Father's house are many rooms, I go to prepare a place for you, so that where I am you may also be."

There is still much for me to do before that special day arrives. So I need to get myself up and functional again. Then and only then can I hear the words of the Lord. Then and only then can I respond to his Divine Will.

"Let those who have ears to hear, hear."

The One Thing Needed

2006-05-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

I would like to start with a question for you. When you woke up this morning, what was the one thing you thought of that you simply had to do today. More importantly, have you done it? Then ask yourself, if I die today, will it matter?

I'm a little slow in starting this post because I had a little unexpected trip to take. Two weeks ago, I went in to have a small device surgically placed near my left collar bone underneath my skin to accomodate my chemotherapy treatments. I will spare you the details involved, but those of you who have or have had one of these know what I'm referring to.

Anytime something is surgically placed in your body, there are always risks. Some are rare. One of the rare risks in my situation was the possibility that while trying to find the correct passage to the artery my lung might be accidentally punctured, causing it eventually to collapse. Well guess what, again I made it into the lucky few who could take part in this experience and live to tell about it.

As I was lying in my hospital bed waiting for the doctor to come in and do what needed to be done to inflate my lung, again I'll spare you the details, I called my best friend Abbot Joseph to tell him of my current fate. Since I was at a loss as to how to break this news to him, after the emotional roller coaster ride I've put him through over the last two years, I simply said, I have two words for you "Redemptive Suffering." To my complete surprise and astonishment, he replied, "Milk it for all that it's worth."

For those of you who understand the meaning of redemptive suffering, I hope you find the humor in this. I certainly did. But in that humor was a joy so indescribable that it lifted me above what could have been unbearable. Such is the joy of redemptive suffering. Such is the love of God.

And for those of you who are wondering, what in the world is redemptive suffering, I will try to explain it in my simple terms, for I am in no way a scholar or theologian.

Redemptive Suffering is simply taking the one thing needed, your suffering, and offering it as a sacred act to God. Uniting it with the Cross of Christ who suffered and laid down His life freely to once again unite us with the Father. When we consciously choose to do this we give a value to our present suffering condition that we cannot imagine.

How do I know this? Well, because since I have chosen to turn my unpleasant condition into a sacred offering to God, I have had the ability to come through this trial in ways that I know I simply could not do as a human being. However, this does not come without preparation. Never did it enter my mind as I was making life changing choices three years ago that they would be so instrumental in how I would endure life today. Never did I think I would be on the brink of death within such a short time. Never did I even contemplate death.

It is a great mistake to think that death is far off in the distance, so far away that when we wake up in the morning it does not even enter our minds. It is a fact of life that we see around us everyday, but somehow the mind manages to block out it's reality and we prefer to believe in the illusion that we will live in this life forever. Until we come out of this deception, we cannot live!

So what does God in his incredible mercy do, He gives us suffering to remind us that we are dust and to dust we shall return. He says look, your time is short, so why don't you start thinking about preparing for the moment when I will demand your life. It's not a hard thing to do. Just start being real about who and what you are so that when you suddenly find yourself in My presence you won't be so surprised and look so terrified. When you see Me, I would like you to be relieved that you no longer have to wonder about what My Will is, you will just know, like the angels know and you will desire nothing else. But if you've wasted your time looking after yourself and your own personal needs and haven't really prepared for death, which is the only sure thing in this life, then you will be trapped by your own wants and needs and will be sad to discover that I don't have those things to offer you. Then I can't help you.

So seek first the Kingdom of God and the wealth of his righteousness, for wherever your treasure lies, there will you find your heart. These are words from the one who knows, who was with the Father and is with the Father. He calls to us, follow me. In these words I hear the call to Redemptive Suffering, the one thing needed, truly the most sacred act we can offer to the God of Love in our preparation for the kingdom.